1. Your Scorpio independence makes it really hard to ask for help when you need it.
Needing help with a thing = you’re a failure.
2. You’ve felt the strain of pretending to be happy for someone when they succeed.
3. Some people might call you “stubborn,” but you prefer “determined.”
4. You don’t know what an innocent crush feels like because you jump from “mild attraction” to “I wanna do bad things with you” in two seconds flat.
5. Your self-image vacillates between “I’m the best” and “I’m the worst” with almost nothing in between.
What is this “moderation” you speak of?
6. Sometimes your feelings don’t make a ton of sense.
I’m angry/happy/turned on/hungry. And also a little sad? I don’t know.
7. You’ve had to dial down your excitement about something because no one else seems as pumped about it as you.
YES THERE IS PIZZA FOR LUNCH TODAY AND I— have completely neutral feelings on this topic. Whatever.
8. You have a shit list comprised of people who insulted you or pissed you off exactly once.
One strike you’re out.
9. You’ve lost friends over a group project because you can’t deal with other peoples’ ideas.
10. You often identify with the villains more than the heroes.
If you were Loki you’d be pissed too.
11. Whenever your friends talk about Hogwarts they always sort you in Slytherin.
As long as it helps you on your way to greatness, you don’t care.
12. Your amazing memory ensures that every tiny failure, no matter how small or long ago, haunts you to this day.
13. That same good memory also means you’ve pretended to forget things so people don’t think you’re weird.
14. Waiting is not your strong suit and it never will be.
15. Scorpios are characterized as tempestuous balls of emotions but you’re actually a very logical person.
Scorpios get the best of both worlds. Deal with it.
16. People accuse you of being “intimidating.”
Intimidating? Me? I don’t know the meaning of the word.
17. You’ve worked really hard to reach some goal but immediately gotten bored the second you achieved it.
18. There comes a point in every argument when you completely tune out, so your opponent incorrectly assumes they’ve “won.”
You just stepped out before somebody got hurt.
19. “Constructive” criticism means nothing to you.
So what you’re saying is you hate me. Cool, got it.
20. Your default is brutal honesty and that’s not always okay. Apparently.
21. You’re the friend everyone trusts to make decisions, but if something goes wrong it’s automatically your fault.
OMG just choose a restaurant! It’s not hard.
22. And of course, your birthday either gets caught up in pre-Halloween madness…
Combo birthday/Halloween parties are a given.
23. …or is roped in with Thanksgiving.
Now is the winter of your discontent.