14 Most Annoying People You Meet When Taking The Bus

Public transportation is a marvelous thing that is so close to being ruined by a select few. Maybe you are, and/or have been, one of these people?

1. The Guardian of the Seats

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This person likes to sit on the aisle seat of a two-seat row, blocking your access to the window seat with his or her entire body, usually while pretending not to see you standing there, staring at the open seat, carrying eleventy hundred and three bags and crying softly.

2. Bowling Balls

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Yeah, you know this guy.

3. The Open-Face Tuna

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This person not only brought an entire meal onto the bus -- which, you know, life happens, eaters gotta eat -- but a meal that smells like it's made entirely of tuna fish. Just tuna with more tuna and a side of tuna with a tuna sauce. In a sock.

4. The Toddler Coddler

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It's hard being a parent, and it's especially hard being a parent who has to corral a bundle of energy and boogers onto a bus. But it's not hard to ask your kid to stop singing "Let it Go" at top volume while kicking everyone in the shins.

5. The Mystery Bag

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Who left this plastic bag on the bus? What's in it? What delights or horrors does it hold within its grease-slicked plastic folds? Is it important? Does someone need this? Is it garbage? Is it moving? Is it hissing? Does it know what I'm thinking? Has this bag always been, lurking in the darkest corners of the universe, feeding on pain and fear, saving its strength...

...Waiting.

6. The Flirt

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A few of you might know of the dangers of Using Public Transportation While Female. For those of you who don't: It's not uncommon for a male stranger to sit down beside a woman and try to pick her up, despite her not showing any interest and looking any combination of afraid/annoyed/tired/angry/nervous.

It's not that The Flirt is bad at picking up social cues, it's that he doesn't care.

7. The Groper

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This is the person who takes advantage of a crowded bus to "accidentally" brush up against you, pat you, fondle you, grab you, or grind up on you. It's OK to respond to this by loudly and firmly shaming this person for all to hear. It's your space too.

8. The Star

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This aspiring DJ/singer/rapper/ukulele player/whatever is totally oblivious and immune to embarrassment and will continue to sing, loudly and usually badly, while playing loud, tinny music from his or her phone. Sounding like a ferret caught in a damn toaster.

9. The Chatterbox

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This person wants to chat with you about the weather, the driver, the other passengers, work, food, babies, string theory, dog bellybuttons, and it all needs to stop now.

10. The Two-Headed Monster

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This couple will not stop making out. They're barely even coming up for air. You can't even tell if one of them is actually not breathing. Oh shit.

11. The Person Who Was Not Prepared to Take the Bus Today

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Holding up the line trying to pay with three nickels and a damn button.

12. The Olympic Gymnast

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Sometimes, there are plenty of open seats available, but this person insists on standing, not holding onto anything, and slamming up against fellow riders every time the bus moves. Which, as you might surmise, is kind of what a bus DOES.

13. Gwyneth Paltrow in Contagion Except on a Bus

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Stop sneezing on everyone for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY.

14. I Regret My Lunch

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This person is regretting having had that for lunch, and you are now part of that experience.

SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW!!!

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