25 Things No One Tells You About Leaving Miami

305 ---> Worldwide

1. You will confuse people with your insidery Miami lingo.

YC Alligator Film / Via picgifs.com

The moment you mention "getting down from the car" or say that you're spending a quiet Sunday afternoon just "eating shit," you will get a lot of stares.

2. You will have to answer a lot of stupid questions about Miami stereotypes.

New Line Cinema / Via s3-ec.buzzfed.com

"Do you know [random friend from Miami]?" "Do you guys all speak Spanglish?" "Do you live in a sandcastle?" "Is it like Scarface?" Stop.

3. You will miss Publix with the intensity of a thousand stars.

Marcin Wichary / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: mwichary

Depending on where you move, of course. Publix can be found in Florida, Georgia, Alabama, South Carolina, Tennessee, and North Carolina. But most states in this otherwise great nation simply do not know the beauty of a Publix cookie or the majesty that is a Publix chicken tender sub. Weep for them. And, now, for yourself.

4. ...And Sedano's.

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Because why are you going to relegate black beans and sazón to an "ethnic" aisle? They should make up 98% of any supermarket.

5. ...And Farm Stores.

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My kingdom for a pack of La Vaquita powdered donuts!

6. You will be embarrassed by Miami's portrayal in the media.

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No, we're not like The Real Housewives of Miami. Except Mama Elsa.

7. You'll miss the food.

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Miami features all types of different cuisine (Haitian! Venezuelan! Brazilian! Jamaican! Colombian! Argentine!), but its Cuban food is, obviously, quite noteworthy. Good luck trying to find a half-decent croqueta in most other places.

8. People will look at you every time "Florida man" is in the news.

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Ok, in our defense, Miami is less "do a lot of meth and drive a tractor into a convenience store while declaring your love for a manatee" crazy and more "my cousin starred in a homemade booty dancing video about croquetas" crazy. Way different.

9. ...And the coffee.

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Coffee is supposed to punch you in the god damn face. This pumpkin-tickled bean water isn't cutting it.

10. Sometimes, you'll be informed that you "don't look like you're from Miami."

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Sigh. Please inform Miamians what it is that Miamians look like.

11. You'll realize Miami has a very unique dress code.

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As in, it is way more naked than most other places. But be real, haters. Wearing barely nothing is pretty much a necessity in Miami. (As is carrying a sweater at all times because every indoor space is an igloo.)

12. Your hair will be unrecognizable to you.

NBC

NBC

Sure, there are plenty of other places that are frizz-inducingly humid. But not 364.5 days a year. You'll be amazed at how different your hair looks.

13. A lot of places are less "feely" than Miami.

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Latin culture has left an indelible mark on Miami, including the way people greet and associate with one another. But leaning in for an air kiss in most other places will earn you a few awkward looks, culminating in that time-honored game of "Kiss, Handshake, or Run Away Crying?"

14. You'll appreciate how much of Miami's beauty you took for granted.

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Like Vizcaya and Venetian Pool. Or just a stroll (or, more realistically, a drive) along the water.

15. You'll miss driving by the giant sloth outside of The Miami Museum of Science and Planetarium.

Phillip / Creative Commons

Alex Alvarez / BuzzFeed

He was kind of creepy, right?

16. You'll find that people are fascinated by gators.

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I mean, who doesn't know someone who had a hurricane blow a dead alligator into her driveway? It's not that weird.

17. No other place in the nation knows how to make a proper mojito.

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Take your POMEGRANATES and your ELDERBERRY and get LOST.

18. And no place else even knows what a frita is.

Wally Gobetz / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: wallyg

It's like other people don't even WANT to be happy.

19. No, no one else will sing the Dandy Bear jingle with you.

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...Because they've never been exposed to the earworm-churning wonder.

20. Similarly, people outside of Miami simply don't understand the WONDER of Santa's Enchanted Forest.

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So beautiful.

21. Punctuality is relative.

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Which is weird because, growing up in Miami, "let's meet at 5" means "please don't arrive any earlier than 6."

22. Similarly, people in other cities tend to start and end their evenings earlier.

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You mean "going out" doesn't mean "starting to maybe pick out what to wear at 10 p.m."? Odd.

23. You might actually miss the lizards.

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From the tiny little green ones to those giant reptilian monsters that hang out in trees and stare straight into your soul.

24. ...And the wild parrots.

BBC

BBC

"Escape from Parrot Jungle" would make a great 3D movie.

25. People won't get it.

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Miami tends to have a polarizing impact on people. But no matter: you know it's a city that's magical and weird and magically weird. And no matter where you end up, it'll always be home.