11 Reasons Why White Chocolate Must Be Banned

It's not chocolate; it's an abomination.

1. First of all, white chocolate is a lie.

Ron Does Things / Via rondoesthings.com

It's not chocolate. What it is is a travesty-- an unctuous, overwhelming, greasy slab of cocoa butter, milk solids, milk fat, and sweetener. NO COCOA SOLIDS. NO CHOCOLATE. THERE IS LITERALLY NO CHOCOLATE IN IT. IT IS A LIE.

2. It tastes like plastic nightmares.

WB / Via pandawhale.com

You'd think that something that's all fat and sugar would taste like a morsel of heaven wrapped in unicorn dreams, but no, not white chocolate. White chocolate tastes like dropping molten plastic into a vat of diabetes and then shoving it into your gullet. IT'S DISGUSTING.

3. It has a texture that can only be described as "NOT RIGHT."

DreamWorks Pictures / Via sodahead.com

It's so greasy and slick without the luxurious, velvety quality of REAL CHOCOLATE. Eating white chocolate is like being slapped in the face with seventeen sticks of butter and, like, if that's your fetish, fine, good for you for acknowledging your truth. But not everyone wants that. AND NO ONE SHOULD.

4. White chocolate is the color of things that food should not be the color of.

Alex Alvarez / BuzzFeed / Via Jenn @ Frugal Upstate / Creative Commons / Flickr: 26568072@N00

Oh, wow, how appetizing, a giant, greasy, yellowy-white bar of PIMPLE CUSTARD. Among OTHER THINGS. No. Get it off our plates and off this planet.

5. ...Or it's dyed to look extra weird and nauseating.

Alex Alvarez / BuzzFeed / Via i am drexel / Creative Commons / Flickr: stylegoddess

Chocolate ("chocolate") should be a rich, deep, warm, elegantly beautiful brown color. Not green. Not orange. Not pink. Not purple. Disgusting. Wrong. Gross. Stop.

6. It is honestly INSULTING to real chocolate.

Ron Does Things / Via rondoesthings.com

I mean, since when is THIS OVER HERE...

Food Network / Via tumblr.com

...More beautiful than this? BE REASONABLE.

7. White chocolate ruins and defiles perfectly good treats.

Disney / Via onceforeverafter.blogspot.com

Doesn't peppermint bark sound like something wonderful? Mmm: Peppermint! Lots of it! Nestled in chocolate!

BUT NO. IT'S ALWAYS ENSCONCED IN GREASY WHITE PIMPLE BUTTER THAT OVERWHELMS THE REFRESHING SWEETNESS OF THIS HOLIDAY DELIGHT.

8. It's fricking EVERYWHERE.

Alex Alvarez / BuzzFeed / Via Hershey's / Mars Chocolate / EmojiStickers.com

There is no escaping white chocolate. It's like pollution and Adam Sandler movies on long airplane trips. YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT. Here, have this "chocolate" cookie. BOOM, NOPE, TOPPED WITH SADNESS. Have a sip of this ~artisanal~ hot chocolate. BAM, HAHA, IT TASTES LIKE A CUP OF LARD.

9. Seriously, it RUINS boxes of chocolate.

youtube.com / Via reddit.com

So, like, not only do people have to deal with avoiding chocolates filled with rum-soaked eyeballs and glue or whatever they fill those with, you also have to avoid the chocolates coated in LIE BUTTER. Like, you're really going to waste perfectly good hazelnut-chocolate mousse by enrobing it in SUGARY GARBAGE WHALE BLUBBER? Wow.

10. It makes for a gross nickname.

FX / Via reactiongifs.com

If you've ever been referred to as "white chocolate," you know that it immediately brings to mind ALL SORTS of drippy, groopy visuals. GROSS. NO. NO SEXUALIZED FOOD DESCRIPTORS.

11. White chocolate lovers love how wrong they are about white chocolate.

Comedy Central / Via wifflegif.com

"But oh my god, it's so good." "Just try another bite." "To be honest, I don't even get why people like dark chocolate."

And these GUTTER CLOWNS are allowed to just, like, roam free among the general populace, getting their greasy, white chocolate-slicked hooves all over everyone else. HOW IS THIS LEGAL.

#BanWhiteChocolate

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