What To Expect When Your Snowman Comes To Life

We've all been there.

Some of you will soon find yourselves in the not enviable position of having a magically sentient snowman in your front yard.

The holidays are a stressful enough time without considering the limits of metaphysics, and as society has grown more tech-savvy and less whimsically inclined I'm noticing more and more households react to the blessing of a living snowman by knocking it over.

Though convenient, this is far from a humane solution to the problem, and if history has taught us anything it's that come Christmas morning there are going to be a lot of inexplicably living snowmen hanging around who do not all deserve to die.

Below are some handy tips for navigating the awkward situation.

Figure Out If The Snowman Is Good Or Bad

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The snowman is either a jolly ambassador of the season sent to warm your hearts or a vengeful winter spirit bent on killing your entire family. If the snowman is evil you should by all means kill it before it kills you, but you have to spend some time with it to figure this out.

If you find yourself at all unclear whether you've got a good or evil snowman, ask yourself one simple question:

Have You Done Anything Horrible In Winter?

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You know what I'm talking about. Don't fuck around here, if you did something horrible to someone in winter you definitely know what I'm talking about and no you were of course not going to get away with that shit, have you never seen a movie?

The literal ghost of whatever you did is quite literally sitting on your front lawn and I wish I could offer some really practical advice but frankly I'd rather get as far away from your situation as possible.

If you're still not sure whether your snowman is evil you might have to wait a day or so, but a good rule of thumb is to always

Believe Your Children

Not to insult your intelligence but you'd be surprised how hard it is to impress this upon people:

If your CHILD appears to SUSPECT your SNOWMAN of something--LOOK INTO IT.

BECAUSE BEST CASE SCENARIO YOUR CHILD IS SUFFERING A PSYCHOTIC BREAK AND AT WORST YOU'VE GOT A MURDEROUS SNOWMAN ON YOUR HANDS, EITHER WAY YOU HAVE SOME PHONE CALLS TO MAKE.

Respect The Snowman's Emotions RE Its Own Impermanence

For the sake of argument here let's assume your snowman is not an evil murderer. Congratulations. The snowman on your lawn is a delight, it's extremely cool and fun.

The one serious issue you're going to want to account for is that the snowman will be prone to unexpected short bouts of extremely debilitating depression over the fact that it just became living and it's going to die as soon as it gets warm.

You have to take care of the snowman during these periods because as the laws of magic go, you are technically its parent. Make sure it knows how much you love it, give it lots of ways to express itself, and give it a shoulder to lean on and pretend to cry but because its eyes are buttons it's not crying it's just leaning on you and making the sounds it has learned to associate with crying.

One last tip:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T MAKE "SNOWMAN JOKES"

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Trust me, the snowman has heard it before. Also, when has a joke that you describe categorically by the TYPE OF PERSON IT MOCKS been anything other than offensive?

The snowman knows how many snowmen it takes to screw in a lightbulb, it knows what the hooker said to the snowman, it knows what the snowman said to the rabbi on the crashing plane, just keep it in your pants Vance.

Happy Snow Interval