22. Your Room:
Why you hold it in: Actually, you don’t!
How to successfully break wind: Go ahead and get creative with your farts. If you wish to grab a lighter and attempt a fire fart, go ahead. Make it crackle, make it smell, do as you please with your farts.
21. The Street:
Why you hold it in: There isn’t really a reason for you to hold it in since you are in the open where no smell lingers.
How to successfully break wind: Slowly walk against the edge of the sidewalk and let it go as cars pass by.
Why you hold it in: Because when you fart into the toilet it really resonates and your boss is sitting in the stall next to you.
How to successfully break wind: Go into a stall only if the restroom is half full and don’t get out of the stall until they are gone. They won’t know it was you.
19. At The Doctor’s Office:
Why you hold it in: You don’t want to be embarrassed in front of your doctor — especially if they are hot — and have to spend the next 15 minutes of the checkup in awkward silence.
How to successfully break wind: Try to be discreet, but if it happens, they of all people should understand and accept farts.
18. Grocery Store:
Why you hold it in: You don’t want to perfume all the ingestible merchandise for sale. And you don’t want somebody at the store to trace it back to you.
How to successfully break wind: Simply walk to a deserted isle and let it go little by little. If it crackles don’t worry, no one is around.
17. Batting At A Baseball Game:
Why you hold it in: The catcher is two feet away from your ass.
How to successfully break wind: Fart when you take off for first base. It will give you an additional boost and the smell might get lost with all the dust, so you just might spare the catcher.
16. Car Packed With People:
Why you hold it in: Because you know that everyone is going to suffer — including you — and deal with the repugnant smell of the fart.
How to successfully break wind: Place your butt out, or as close as possible, to the window and let it out. There will barely be a hint of the fart. You won’t be judged since you are probably traveling with friends or family.
Why you hold it in: If the subway is somewhat empty people will trace it back to you.
How to successfully break wind: However, if it’s not, go ahead and get creative. Find the most shady person in the subway and stand next to them. When you fart make questioning faces and frantically look around. People will not suspect.
Why you hold it in: You are afraid you may shart and if you do that in water, well, everyone will find out. Whether a surprise comes with your fart or not, everyone will still notice because of the bubbles rippling from your ass.
How to successfully break wind: Go ahead and kick uncontrollably and fart while you do it. No one will be able to distinguish the fart bubbles.
13. Yoga Class
Why you hold it in: It is quiet as fuck in the studio and you never know if it’s going to make a loud noise.
How to successfully break wind: Make sure your cheeks are spread wide for every pose so there will be absolutely no sound. And don’t worry about the smell because it already smells like feet.
12. Getting A Massage:
Why you hold it in: There is a human being within a very close proximity and you don’t want to discourage them from doing an exceptional job at massaging you.
How to successfully break wind: Wait till they light the scented candles and let it rip when they are working on your upper body.
Why you hold it in: Because we all know that a wet fart is the worst. A wet fart is a silent assassin!
How to successfully break wind: Simply step outside and fart there. Or if there is a jacuzzi, fart in there.
Why you hold it in: One word: Karma. What goes around will definitely come back around with the recycling air system in a plane.
How to successfully break wind: Stand up and fart as you walk to the restroom. No one will know it was you because that smell will spread like rapid fire.
Why you hold it in: Because you don’t want to be the butt of everyone’s joke for the rest of the term.
How to successfully break wind: Get up and sharpen your pencil. Viciously stick the pencil in to make as much noise possible and release gas in small increments.
Why you hold it in: It’s a holy sanctuary and you think farting might be disrespectful.
How to successfully break wind: Two perfect times in which you can do it. 1) Every time the choir sings, you “let it go, let it go!” 2) When the father passes through the isles with the incense.
7. On A Date:
Why you hold it in: Well, it’s just embarrassing to fart in front of someone you fancy. And you haven’t reached that level of intimacy with that person.
How to successfully break wind: Excuse yourself and explore nature alone. Find a tree to admire and fart all you want away from your date.
6. Work Meeting:
Why you hold it in: You don’t want your title to go from Director of Facility Management to Director of Fart Management.
How to successfully break wind: When people clap, you fart. If it smells, well, it will probably get lost with the odorous food smell in the conference room.
Why you hold it in: Your boss is sitting right in front of you.
How to successfully break wind: Walk around the room and fart as you do. Try to go to the very back of the room and let it out there.
4. During Sex:
Why you hold it in: You want to finish and letting out some disturbing noises and smells will be an automatic turnoff. Your partner will definitely call it a night.
How to successfully break wind: Follow Ludacris’ advice and “face down ass up” — spread them cheeks in the process — and let out a silent one.
Why you hold it in: People are in mourning and you don’t want to encumber them with your gas problems.
How to successfully break wind: Stand by the lily bouquets and perfume the flowers with your scent. They’ll soak it up and neutralize it.
Why you hold it in: You don’t want to make the elevator a simulation of a gas chamber.
How to successfully break wind: Stand as close as you can to the door and release the poisonous gas from your ass when you reach the next level. Step out and let everyone else suffer.
1. Job Interview:
Why you hold it in: You don’t want them to remember you by, “Oh, that was the one that farted!!”
How to successfully break wind: This is the exception. You hold it. No matter how much pain you get, farting at an interview will be your worst mistake.
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