1. A life-size statue of what Arnold Schwarzenegger would look like if he was clinically obese.
Really. All yours for around £10,000.
Carefully wrapped in a bubble bag. Yours in five working days.
2. Someone to stand in a queue for you.
The Linestanding website says: “We provide persons to stand in line anywhere in the greater Washington DC area, and specialize in United States Congressional hearings and their respective committees as well as the US Supreme Court. Submit your details and our secure reservation form takes care of the rest. We also offer real-time rendezvous confirmation.”
5. Some bacon lip balm.
“Just carry around a tube of this Bacon Lip Balm and you can keep your lips moist and meaty around the clock. Warning: Your lips will smell like bacon, but they are not bacon.”
6. A Sigmund Freud action figure.
“Includes a distinctly phallic cigar.”
7. A mask to make you look like Barry Chuckle.
Yours for just £3.58. Most concerningly, Paul doesn’t get one. What did Paul do wrong?
8. The Autoblow 2.
It’s a robotic oral sex simulator. You put your penis in it and, well, it does the above. It also makes smoothies (it doesn’t make smoothies).
9. A replica of 5 pounds of human fat.
“The grossly dramatic Life/Form® replica of five-pounds of human fat is a shocking but strongly motivating attention-getter.”
10. An antique hand crank womens vibrating dildo.
11. A tub of 1,500 live ladybirds.
Actually quite useful if you have an aphid problem on your plants. But still, unexpected.
12. Twenty-five metric tons of chicken feet.
13. A human-size hamster wheel.
Shredded newspaper also available.