The Amazon Reviews Of This Con Queso Salsa Are Really Very Negative Indeed

So you didn’t like it, then? H/T Oh Myyy.

Here is a tub of Newman’s Own Con Queso Salsa, 16 Ounce.

 

And here are some reviews.

1. From “disgusting, vomit-inducing concoction to ever be sold…


This is by far the most vile, putrid, disgusting, vomit-inducing concoction to ever be sold in a jar. I fed a bit to my dog and he licked his rear end for two days in a futile attempt to get the taste out of his mouth.

2. From “Wonderful flavor!


I’ve been looking far and wide for a salsa or dip that tastes like vomit and has the smell of a soiled diaper. I am overjoyed to finally find such a product! In fact, I do wonder since this is a “Newman’s Own” product if the late Paul Newman himself upchucked into a vat after eating a copious amount of cheese. Even if not, the fact that this has the flavor of pre-digested cheese is a plus in my book!

3. From “I would love to tell you all the great things this product did for me, but…


I would love to tell you all the great things this product did for me, but… There are none. Its luje [sic] a dirty diaper filled with Indian food. Seriously, the water supply in the slums of New Dehli is less toxic than this. I’ve smelled better aroma coming from a tire fire. If Satan made a Queso he couldn’t make it this evil. And buying the 6-pack just means you’ll have 5 jars of horror living in your cabinets until the end of time. This stuff is seriously a porta-potty in a jar.

4. From “Pretty weird color.


Pretty weird color. Tastes like horse urine. Probably good for maintaining vaginal PH if inserted properly. Kills fleas, Mosquitos, spiders, and small rodents. Do not put near open flame. Can be used as Molotov cocktail by tying a rag around the edges and setting it on fire.

5. From “There was once a foul odour coming from my attic…


There was once a foul odor coming from my attic that turned out to be a dead squirrel. It smelled better than this stuff tastes. Have never had queso that smelled like rotting corpse. Not kidding, this stuff needs to be discontinued, or revamped by someone who has taste buds!

6. From “Even Groo the Wanderer wouldn’t eat this cheese dip.


Hoping for the best I microwaved it, but this is where things went terribly wrong. Without my glasses on I thought I’d pressed 3:33, but mistakenly pressed 6:66, which almost proved my undoing. A strange cloud of greenish and orange vapor filled the kitchen, my cat screeched and scrambled upstairs as if a Wampa was trying to eat it. She ran past the incoming dog who thought it smelled fresh vomit to be licked up off the floor, but soon realized his terrible mistake and shot out the dog door as if a Gorn wielding a makeshift flint knife was about to stab him.

Terrified but curious, I lifted my Firefly shirt to cover my mouth & nose and carefully pried open the microwave. The horrific sight that greeted me was reminiscent of the creature from Carpenter’s The Thing morphing into another form. An aberrant abomination of bubbly and spindly steaming dark orange goo that appeared to be growing spindly legs out of it’s bottle, presumably in order to chase me down and consume my DNA. Speechless and wishing I had MacReady behind me wielding a flamethrower to incinerate this unworldly beast I realized that I had to fend for myself. My first thought was the fire extinguisher, which had no effect and actually seemed to make it angrier. Now speckled with white powder the freakish construct leapt to the kitchen counter and aimlessly moved around like a Dalek blinded by rage.

7. From “Biohazardous devil cheese substance of doom and torment.”


Worst tile grout, ever!

8. From “Kill me now, before this poison works :P


My God … it tastes like liquid duct tape and after peeling the product from my mouth the aftertaste was bad enough to successfully cast incantations to raise the undead. Cadaverine is a perfume compared to this product.

9. From “Two girls, one cup Newman’s own Con Queso.


This is a nasty cruel substance to unleash upon the US population… however, I am strangely aroused when I spread this stuff all over my naked body.

10. From “OK paint stripper, decent expanding foam insulation.”


I had some various remodeling jobs around the house. First and most important - painting the window frames and trim around the exterior of the house. Now, the place is almost 40 years old, to there’s a lot of paint to remove. After reading the review, I decided to give it a try. I carefully opened the lid - I remembered to wear the “fume” mask I picked up at a hazmat seminar last year. I hardly noticed the stench, although several birds flying overhead did perform a prompt death spiral into our yard.

I dipped in my brush and proceeded to apply this to the old paint. Nothing happened. Then I realized - the bristles had dissolved in the dip. Hmmm. I then tried a roller. I dumped the contents into a heavy-duty steel pan (which promptly rusted) and used a small roller. It worked. I applied the stuff liberally to the window trim. One roller only lasted a few minutes, but if I worked fast, I could coat the wood on one window before the roller dissolved.

11. From “If this is how they saw Mexican cuisine…


If this is how they saw Mexican cuisine, is it any wonder that Butch and Sundance died in a hail of bullets south of the border?

There also some questions being asked, and advice given.

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