1. You’re surrounded by kids who dress better than you.
2. And kids who work out more than you do.
WHY ARE YOU RUNNING, IS THERE A BEAR OR A ROBBER CHASING YOU, NOPE DIDN’T THINK SO.
4. You can’t walk down the sidewalk because of the stroller brigade.
Bonus: when a self-righteous dad runs over your feet, then stops and glares at said feet as if they are the culprit.
5. Everywhere you look you see children who are wayyy too old to be in a stroller.
Wow, that paper sure seems engrossing. You know, the paper, the one that you’re reading with your fully developed human brain that’s also in charge of motor skills.
I feel u, girl, but nobody is pushing *me* around, so.
7. Nor will any restaurants.
(For more stuff like this I beg of you, check out STFU Parents.)
8. In fact, the dulcet tones of sobbing follow you wherever you go.
9. Oh, you wanted to sit down at the bar where you are a paying customer? Haha, sucker.
10. You inwardly groan whenever a school group gets on public transit with you.
Please, by all means, slam your body repeatedly into my legs.
11. You’ve overheard one too many earnest conversations about placenta.
To fry or not to fry, that is the question.
12. You dread walking into a public bathroom to be greeted by this.
Or worse. Much, much worse.
13. You just *love* when a child sneezes/coughs/snots all over you and their parent thinks it’s cute.
Thanks a heap, germ factory.
14. You’ve been woken up by the neighbors’ kid crying/screaming/running back and forth at all hours of the day.
16. You have the ability to buy diapers 24/7 but no cold six-pack if your life depended on it.
17. On Halloween you have nothing to offer trick-or-treaters besides half a box of Franzia and a frozen personal pizza.
18. You’re surrounded by DILFs/MILFs that YOU CAN NEVER HAVE.
Oh Liev, your biceps are so big from lifting that baby all day <3 <3 <3
19. You know all too well that feeling of overwhelming jealousy where you kinda just want to grab the nearest baby and take it home and cuddle it and raise it as your own but you can’t because society frowns.
Maybe for now, stick with a dog.