1. OK I literally have seven minutes before I have to leave the house, let’s make this quick.
2. Shit, my eyebrows look bad.
3. I didn’t even know you could GET hairs on your cheeks.
4. Thanks for the genes, Mom and Dad.
5. Where are my goddamn tweezers?
6. Oh, right, I used them to get that splinter out of my cat’s paw last week.
7. Do I need to sterilize them or something?
8. No time, gotta yank these buggers out.
9. That’s a little better. Ish.
10. Maybe I should go to one of those threading places everyone’s always raving about.
11. What even is threading, though? There’s no way that shit works.
12. Besides, I hate when strangers touch me.
13. OK, onto the main event. Down to three minutes now.
14. Life would be so much easier if I had blemish-free skin that glowed as if lit by an inner flame.
15. Is that TOO MUCH TO ASK.
16. But no, instead I need to smear on all this goop just to pass for a human.
17. I could totally run Goop.
18. What does Gwyneth have that I don’t have?
19. (Oh, right, the aforementioned skin.)
20. I’ve actually been pretty pleased since I switched to BB cream.
21. I mean I’ve had to give up roughly half my monthly grocery budget, but we all make sacrifices.
22. Does it make me look too shiny, though?
23. Or like shiny-in-an-effortlessly-youthful good way?
24. Maybe I’ll just use some of this powder compact my great-aunt gave me three Christmases ago.
25. It kind of smells.
26. Whatever, shiny is a thing.
27. Is it a blush day? How about bronzer?
28. I do have that presentation, and I’d like to look nice. But not SO nice that they think I did something special and don’t take my career seriously and pigeonhole me according to the patriarchal constraints of our society.
29. That cutie from the communications team will be there, though.
30. (And totally smiled at me the last time I wore this blush!! Unless I dreamed that.)
31. I’ll do cream blush, no bronzer.
32. Goddammit, I belong in clown school.
34. I don’t really understand why the inventor of brow gel hasn’t been given a Nobel Prize yet.
35. And why the inventor of eyelash curlers isn’t in prison.
36. This legitimately looks like a medieval torture device.
37. Like what if someone slams the door right now and I jerk my head and rip out all of my eyelashes in one fell swoop?
38. I could probably rock those Make Up For Ever falsies.
39. The ones with the feathers are rad.
40. (And horrifying.)
41. (And cost the rest of that grocery budget I keep chipping away at.)
42. Oh god, it’s time.
43. Time for eyeliner.
44. Time to determine my fate for the rest of the day.
45. Will I be subtle and impossibly chic?
46. Or raccoon-like and totally unbalanced?
47. Here goes nothing.
48. OK, that first eye turned out surprisingly well.
49. Not too obvious, but well defined.
50. I should do this for a living.
51. I can totally handle the other eye.
52. Just a litttttttle more.
53. Just a taaaaaaad more.
55. Don’t panic.
56. This is why God created makeup remover.
57. Ugh. Good enough. Nobody’s going to like, look me full in the face today anyway.
58. Except for that presentation.
59. I’ll just try and neaten things up a bit.
61. I didn’t even know it was possible to stab yourself in your own eye.
62. Great, now everyone will think I’ve been crying.
63. Maybe they’ll think there was a death in the family.
64. Maybe Communications Hottie will comfort me.
65. I’m going to actual Hell.
66. Alright, I’m already 15 minutes late. Time to throw on some lip stuff and hit the road.
67. But wait.
68. What should I wear?