1. The one cardinal rule: No. Pants. Ever.
Other clothes totally optional as well.
2. Eat all your meals directly in front of the fridge.
Standing up or sitting down — it’s a personal choice.
3. Leave the bathroom door wiiiiide open.
The alpha and omega of true freedom.
4. PROTIP: Stay in your own space, fool.
Even if your roommate’s bed is like a little pile of heaven compared to your own slanting Ikea nightmare.
5. And unless you’re both cool with it, same goes for food and drinks.
6. Call over your boyfriend/girlfriend/FWB/weird neighbor who you always kind of thought was cute for some no-holds-barred kitchen nookie.
And/or living room/bathroom/vestibule.
9. Watch all the dorky movies that always make you cry and bawl away.
No one will poke their head into your room to ask if someone you love just died and so you can enjoy Chance’s journey of redemption in peace. Bonus points if there’s a communal TV you can have all to yourself.
10. If you’re super neat, catch up on all that cleaning you’ve been itching to do.
11. And brush up on your organization.
Although I wouldn’t recommend this particular idea if your roommates are, like, interested in locating their favorite book or whatever ever again.
12. If you’re not so neat, take time to revel in your own squalor.
Clean that ish up before they get home, though.
13. Crank your most absurd music and go to town.
Although maybe don’t go to town quite hard enough to disturb your cranky downstairs neighbors who once called the cops when you had like seven people over to play Cards Against Humanity.
14. If you have a pet, converse freely and openly with it without fear of judgment.
16. Or curl up with a good book.
Preferably one that has, you know, words.
17. Turn the AC or heat as high/low as your heart desires.
It’ll be like your own personal sauna/tundra and nobody can tell you otherwise.
18. Order delivery from the place literally across the street without shame.*
*Except for the shame you feel in front of the delivery person. UGH WHATEVER THAT’S WHY 30% TIPS WERE INVENTED.