3. “You know what kind of adult needs to eat food out of a glass jar? A BABY.”
4. “If you ever actually erase this chalk and write a new thing, I will have a heart attack.”
8. “You boozehounds are aware that I cost more than like three glasses from Ikea combined, right?”
10. “It was never supposed to be like this.”
“I went to Oberlin, goddammit.”
11. “Look on the bright side: we’re probably poisonous.”
“Was ‘bright side’ supposed to be a pun? STFU, Chad.”
13. “I guarantee you I will live longer than this relationship.”
14. “Jesus Christ, it’s rank in here.”
“Maybe time to lay off the jar pizzas?”
- Officials released new footage proving Sandra Bland was "alive and well" when her mugshot was taken. The release aims to counter social media rumors that she was deceased in the photo.
- The U.S. will release Israeli spy Jonathan Pollard after 30 years. The move isn't tied to the Iran nuclear deal, American officials say.
- The NFL has upheld Tom Brady's four-game suspension for his alleged involvement with the deflation of footballs 🏈