1. As a kid: You’d wake up with a tickle in your throat, a flush to your face, and the sneaking sensation that YOU MIGHT GET TO SKIP SCHOOL.
What are a few sneezes and a runny nose compared with that hellish pre-algebra test?
2. As an adult: You wake up feeling like death and it’s the worst thing that could possibly happen to you.
“Glad this is happening on the day I have three meetings, a presentation I’ve been prepping for weeks, and a really promising Tinder date.”
3. As a kid: Someone was there to take care of you.
“Moooooom, I’m all out of Rocky Road, WHAT IF I DIE.”
4. As an adult: You’re cripplingly lonely.
“Hey, delivery guy, if I gave you 20 bucks, would you hang around and reassure me I’ll feel well again someday?”
5. Or else completely grossing out your roommate/benevolent friend/significant other.
6. As a kid: Your friends understood if you had to reschedule a playdate.
Like, they had to, since their parents dictated their social schedules.
7. As an adult: Your friends do not understand one bit.
“I mean I get that you have a 104-degree fever but you promised me you’d be my wingman, like, DAYS ago.”
8. As a kid: Going to the doctor sucked, but at least you had someone to drive you and wait with you and also there were lollipops.
9. As an adult: Going to the doctor is an expensive, difficult, time-consuming pain in the ass.
You mean you don’t love lugging your tired body to a sticky waiting room where you have to sit around for an hour and 15 minutes before some Yelp-approved asshole sticks a large needle in your forearm? Weird.
10. As a kid: You relished the time you got to spend by yourself, an oasis away from the drudgeries of school.
“Heh heh, those other nerds are probably playing kickball right now. Suckers.”
11. As an adult: You’ll take any comfort or human contact whatsoever.
“COME BACK — IF I WATCH ONE MORE ANTM MARATHON BY MYSELF I’LL BECOME TYRA.”
12. As a kid: Medicine was the grossest thing imaginable.
Unless it was Flintstones vitamins.
13. As an adult: You’ll take anything that promises to momentarily ease the marching band that’s taken over your head.
14. As a kid: Your deepest sick-day fear was throwing up everywhere.
15. As an adult: Your deepest sick-day fear is realizing the extent of human frailty and coming face-to-face with your own mortality.
16. As a kid: You were totally melodramatic.
“THE WORLD IS ENDING.”