11. Shower sex.
Seems soooo hot, right? All that water cascading around you like endless, temperate rain? All that soaking hair and glistening body parts? Not to mention totally efficient — you can get clean and dirty at the same time! RIGHT?!?
Wrong. The best case scenario is that one of you hogs all the water, the medium scenario is that you get soap in your eye/unmentionables, and the worst is that one of you slips and falls and you have to go to the emergency room soaking wet and freezing in the cold January night.
10. Beach sex.
Pop culture would have you believe this is the pinnacle of romance, but POP CULTURE IS LYING TO YOU. If you have a whole bunch of orifices, you should probably definitely not fill them all with sand. Also (and this is mad relevant to the previous item), water is basically anti-lubricant, so enjoy that squeaky, salt-watery friiiiiction.
9. Public doin’ it.
Omg ANXIETY. Not only is this not within the letter of the law and most likely wildly uncomfortable, in the wise words of Tabir Akhter, “you have to rush shit.” And shit doesn’t like to be rushed. Furthermore, if you happen to be aboard public transit, you are exposing your most sensitive areas to a festival of germs.
8. Speaking of enchanted cesspools of disease…
Hot tubs are tepid petri dishes busily bubbling away.
7. Road head WHILE THE VEHICLE IS IN MOTION.
Ugh, but those long stretches of highway, right? Sooooooo boring and riddled with not-sex! Just bear in mind the uncomfortable bobbing up and down, the inability to concentrate on the road, and the fact that the gravelly ditch off the median might just become your shallow grave.
(Also literally what are those shoes.)
5. Anything involving the rain.
Rain is WET and COLD and the WORST.
4. Anything involving food.
Food is STICKY and SMELLY and WILL NEVER WASH OFF YOUR SHEETS.
3. Anything involving the ripping of clothes.
You BOUGHT that with MONEY and now it is RUINED.
2. Anything that’s so complicated it requires a diagram, several hours of stretching beforehand, and helpers.
Yo, an adventurous spirit is a wonderful thing, and discovering new stuff you never knew you liked is one of the very best parts of sex. That said, a sprained ankle and the inability to sit down at your desk for three weeks are among the very worst parts of sex.
1. Totally wasted sex.
Aside from the problems with consent, having basically no motor skills can be a problem when you are rubbing your body against somebody else’s. Besides, even if you’re totally horny, chances are you’re going to pass out anyway — and that, dear friends, is why God invented morning sex.
But hey, dance what you feel, and if you happen to love one of these, that is rad; just never think you have to because the world told you that you should.