1. The ability to leap up crowded stairs in a single bound and catch the subway before it pulls away.
2. Infallible Empty Subway Seat Detection™
3. The ability to muffle all busker noise and only hear the person you’re talking to.
4. A signal jammer that always causes the Chipotle checkout person to forget to charge you for guac.
5. ESP that allows you to detect, in advance, whether a hot person lives too far away from you to consider dating.
6. The ability to always fix your own internet by just unplugging and restarting the router, without having to call Time Warner ever.
7. Whenever you have to pee, no matter where you are, a Starbucks shall appear before you, and lo, there will be no line.
8. Bed bugs fear you, mice dare not speak your name, and cockroaches shrivel and evaporate in your presence.
9. The ability to make grocery bags float effortlessly back to your apartment.
10. Stroller repellant.
11. Levitation that allows you to cut any line and people are so impressed they don’t even get mad, not even at Duane Reade or Shake Shack.
12. Permanent cell reception, even underground.
13. Clothing that self-cleans pit stains, for when you don’t have time to change before going out.
14. The ability to summon all your friends in a timely manner for brunch at places that don’t seat incomplete parties.
15. A time-turner to make it never not happy hour.
16. A forcefield that repels all eye-level umbrellas.
17. An invisibility shield that turns on whenever you spot an ex/someone you went to college with and to whom you have nothing to say/an overeager tourist about to ask you for directions even though you are ten minutes late to your dentist appointment.
18. Magnetism that summons cabs even during the 4 p.m. shift change.
19. Same with across-the-platform subway transfers.
20. Broker hypnosis so you never have to pay a fee.
21. The ability to change any bank’s ATM into your own (ditto no fee).
22. An internal compass so you always know exactly which direction you’re facing when you emerge from the subway.
23. Being able to snap your fingers and make your skin look as beautiful as if you were one of Dr. Zizmor’s patients.
24. The ability to think up A+ comebacks when people yell at you on the street.
- Justice Antonin Scalia, who served almost 30 years on the Supreme Court as one of its most prominent and influential conservative voices, died Saturday. He was 79.
- The four members of British indie band Viola Beach and their manager are believed to have died in a car crash in Sweden.
- And U.S. Republican presidential candidates had their nastiest debate yet in South Carolina last night 🇺🇸