1. No books in sight.
Maybe they have a very demanding job that doesn’t leave time for reading, or maybe they prefer to swill Jäger in their spare time instead of embarking on a journey through the hearts and minds of others, or maybe they migrated all their reading material to a Kindle and burned their physical books in a fire. Whatever the reason, they’re a serial killer, get out.
3. Only broken mugs and free plastic cups as drinking receptacles.
Perfect for sipping on a well-aged splash of Franzia*.
*Franzia is not a red flag; perhaps a pinkish one.
4. A highly unhappy pet.
If they can’t even remember to feed Herman or groom Suki, how will they remember to pick you up from your dentist appointments?
5. A million bongs.
Oh so THAT’S where all your book money went.
6. Sports bedding.
Just you, me, and the Dallas Mavericks. Shower curtains aren’t welcome either.
8. Eerily bare walls.
Unless they recently moved in, this is a surefire sign that they a) have zero interests and/or b) are about to skip town for shady mob-related reasons. Only slightly better if the only decor is a handful of shitty movie posters or tear-stained pictures of their ex.
9. And a completely empty fridge.
Even if they always go out or order in, this does not remotely bode well for midnight-snacking or Sriracha-owning purposes.
11. A fully planned (fictional) wedding/pregnancy board.
All that’s missing is YOU, dear.
12. A pile of dirty laundry bigger than you.
A normal amount is totally fine; an entire wardrobe’s worth screams “my mom biannually washes my stuff.” Bonus points if said laundry pile clearly contains somebody else’s bra/boxer briefs.
13. Curtainless/blindless windows.
Unless you’d like their neighbors to witness your tender groping sesh.
14. A tiny door, no higher than your knee, locked tight in a forgotten corner.
“Don’t touch that!” they bark when you approach. “That’s not for you.”
15. Hair clippings in the sink.
17. Surprise parents.
Moms are rad, dads are rad, and it’s beyond reasonable to live with them after college or what have you — just don’t try and pretend that you don’t. Otherwise breakfast the next morning will be super fun.