83 Thoughts We’ve All Had At Karaoke

“Something something burnin’ ring of fire?”

1. I’m kinda buzzed and with relatively cool people. Singing songs sounds fun!
2. I’ll probably just sing my one go-to number.
3. Or try and be part of a group.
4. God, this place looks worse every time we go.
5. It’s like a subterranean witch cave that smells like beersweats.
6. Oh, right, and every beer costs $8 minimum.
7. Whatever, that’s why God invented SHOTS.

8. Man, that girl sure is brave to go first.
9. She’s not bad! I mean, how hard is “Torn,” really, but still.
10. Now she’s really getting into it.
11. Like, literally lying on the floor.
12. Oh.
13. No.
14. No honey no those notes aren’t for you.
15. Please stop.
14. Please please pl—
15. Phew.
16. It’s over.
17. There is not a single non-empty drink in this whole room.
18. I’m gonna need way more liquor if I’m going to get out of this without cringing myself into oblivion.
19. BARKEEP!

20. This guy’s already past the first verse and onto the chorus. Glad I missed that initial what-do-I-do-with-my-hands-ahhhhhhhhhh awkwardness.
21. This sounds pretty rad.
22. Like, so rad that he actually looks cute?
23. Are karaoke goggles a thing?
24. Whatever, self, you’re drunk.
25. This is going to be such a tough act to follow.
26. He’s got everyone on their feet clapping along.
27. DOOOOON’T STOP BELIEEEEEEVING.
28. I wish I could make them love me like that.
29. Should I go next? It doesn’t seem like there’s anyone on the list…
30. Jesus fuck, they don’t even have my song!
31. I knew I should have called before agreeing to go to this dump.
32. Recalculating…
33. Oh, phew, that whole group beat me up there. I need more time to figure out what to do.
34. THEY HAVE GODDAMN CHOREOGRAPHY?!

35. OK this is go-time.
36. Just close your eyes and pick a song.
37. No, not that one.
38. Not that either, you’re not Whitney, don’t even try.
39. This seems doable.
40. I haven’t heard it in a while, but it’s seared into my brain from the early 2000s.
41. Great, now the group number’s broken into synchronized scissor kicks.
42. I’M WALKING ON SUNSHIIIIIIIIIIIINE — oh, it’s over.
43. Time to make my way to the stage. At least everyone in here looks plastered.
44. Wow, it’s way harder to walk around chairs than I thought. They should make chairs YOU CAN WALK THROUGH MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA KACHING KACHING.
45. I don’t care if this drink isn’t mine, I need something in my hand.
46. Spilled it, lol, who cares.
47. Hey guys!!
48. You’re all sooooo pretty and sooooo good at singing!!!
49. Me too, right? RIGHT?!?!?!
50. Hahahahhah.

51. Hmm, these first notes don’t sound familiar…
52. And it’s way higher than I remembered.
53. IS THIS EVEN THE RIGHT SONG?
54. Oh, yeah, it is.
55. But like.
56. I don’t know a single word.
57. I know they’re written right there, I understand the basic premise of karaoke, but my BRAIN won’t connect with my MOUTH.
58. Just start singing.
59. Doesn’t matter what comes out.
60. You got this.
61. Don’t show them your fear.
62. Alright, I’m kind of vibing.
63. I may not know ~ all ~ the words, or ~ any ~ of the notes, but the main ingredient in karaoke is PASSION.
64. I AM A ROCK STAR GRACING YOU ALL WITH THESE DIVINE CHORDS.
65. WATCH MY HIPS GYRATE.
66. WATCH MY ARMS FLAIL.
67. WATCH MY oh god I feel queasy.
68. Should not have had that fourth unidentifiable rum-thing.
69. Can’t believe there are still two more verses to go.
70. Just a little more…
71. Just one more drawn-out note…
72. Take a deep breath…
73. Aaaaand voice crack.

74. Whatever, at least it’s done.
75. And at least my dignity is (mostly) intact.
76. AND at least I’m not that poor soul currently limping his way through “Baby Got Back” like a noob.
77. That wasn’t bad at all! I should totally come back next week.
77. Oh, right, gotta settle up.
78. You’re kidding. That’s like half my rent.
79. How much did I even—
80. Oh.
81. True.
82. Ugh.
83. Wait, where’d my voice go? And, come to think of it, my wallet? Fuck.

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