2. And/ or eggs.
3. Turn them on (or something) with lingerie cookies.
I would like to shake the hand of whatever genius realized that turning a heart upside down made a butt.
4. Buy them a bag full of JUST MARSHMALLOW Lucky Charms.
Because if they actually liked the cereal part you wouldn’t love them anyway.
5. Sign up your loved one for a sock-of-the-month club.
It only costs $9 a month and they’ll think of you every time their feet are cozy (i.e. all the time).
6. It would be totally romantic to capture your paramour a firefly, but let’s be real: you’re not going to do that.
This electronic firefly will never die, just like your love.
7. Personalize a mug for your beloved.
8. Think mugs are lame? Personalize a bottle of wine instead.
Then promptly drink it all. Buy custom labels here.
10. Two words: bacon toothpaste. Two more: cupcake toothpaste.
To make morning kisses that much sweeter (/saltier /fattier).
11. Get them a terrarium.
12. This is an endlessly-replenishing electronic bubble wrap keychain.
The only drawback is that the object of your affections won’t pay you any more attention because they’ll be too busy playing with this.
13. And this is a heart-shaped handwarmer.
I just feel like we’ve lost sight of the actual biological imperative of the heart, and this gift will both restore that image and keep your boo warm.
14. Buy or make coupons for romantic activities.
These ones are British and are therefore called love vouchers, which is downright delightful. You can make them for sex too, obvi, but all the examples on the Internet are frankly so embarrassing that you should just figure that one out for yourself.
15. What’s better than one of those scalp massagers you always wanted to try at the mall? Three of them!
For when you’re not around to provide head scratches. This deal of a lifetime is available from Amazon.
16. Protect their delicate skull.
The bees are you guys. You guys are the bees.
17. And protect their phone with this amazing Magna-Doodle case.
Technically it’s called a “retro red magic drawing board,” because off-brand, but either way you can buy it here.
18. Show them how hot you think they are with the world’s hottest grow-it-yourself pepper.
They’ll laugh and laugh at your wittiness (at least until they rub their eyes by mistake and the world ends). Get it here.
19. Now they can wear their heart on their sleeve.
Buy these personalized cufflinks here.
20. Send them a balloon surprise.
Bonus points if it’s to their office or class. Directions here.
21. Instead of the usual flowers, buy a bouquet-shaped USB hub.
Get it here.