• Let’s get up in the market and find us some STOCKS.

  • Buy: InterOil

    This is the one I told the GQ guy about. Major momentum. Believe the hype.

  • Sell: Avon Products

    One word: mancession. Another word: ladycession.

  • Buy: Petsmart

    Call and put, baby! Puppies!

  • Short: Apple

    Big bucks only go to the ballsy, man! Bear-wolfish.

  • Buy: Chipotle Mexican Grill, Inc.

    Bull market for vegan burritos. Double short-swing.

  • Buy: Skechers USA

    Then you can ride her. Derivatives!

  • Sell: Men’s Wearhouse, Inc

    No chance for a Pac-Man.

  • Short: Office Depot

    Single stock futures are UP, redlining minimal. Get in there and CLOSE.

  • Buy: Bones from a Vendor You Trust

    Quality bones are crucial for any sort of stock. Don’t skimp; you deserve the best.

  • And remember:

    Coffee is for traders only.