Many web-savvy individuals have been swooning over Kristin Wiig reading Suzanne Somers' poetry , but I prefer this. If your likes include men and free verse, please enjoy. Or watch the other one and enjoy that. It's the weekend, go crazy.

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The Best Links:

1. Via Videogum kind of.

FYI, this was originally titled “Squirrel Deep-Throats A Peanut.” I changed it because I respect you as a reader. (Click to enlarge.)

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The Best Links:

1. via Julia Segal

It goes without saying that he's drunk, right? And in a sequin suit, I'm sure you also assumed that.

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[speechless] We were actually talking about this photo at an editor's meeting. Well, I was. The manlets' eyes just kind of glazed over.

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The Best Links:

1. Jon Hamm - The Early Years - Featured on BuzzFeed

Fancy Fast Food meets your local vending machine, with a side of math. (I would kill for a Fruit Roll-Up breakfast right now.)

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The Best Links:

1. via Eat Me Daily
2. Fancy Fast Food - Featured on BuzzFeed

Also there's this.

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Here's your literary internet thing of the week (now in t-shirt form!). (Can someone make me a Waiting For Dogot tshirt? I will pay you in bowler hats.)

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The Best Links:

1. Via The Daily What

Malia got a 73 on her science test, and Dad told the whole world. This is more humiliating than the time Mark Harmon made a Secret Service agent fake-date Mandy Moore. (Thanks, Forrest).

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The Best Links:

1. Related.

I wanted the Phillies to win just for the aftermath. I like a nice “dude falling off taxi” or “dude humping reporter” or an urban fire with a side of looting—all standard in Philly. This is all New York had to offer. Whoo.

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The Best Links:

1. More lame photos here.
2. Phillies Fan Humps Reporter - Featured on BuzzFeed
3. Phillies Fan Falls Off A Cab - Featured on BuzzFeed

This is ripped straight from my dreams, if you trade Sarkozy and Zapatero for Putin and the Pope. Seriously: Zapatero, quite the hunk. (Many thanks to Videogum. )

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Kylie's fish face kills me.

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CELEBRITY BUZZ: TMZ claims that the former Miss California USA settled a law suit after pageant officials threatened to leak Carrie's sex tape. The video is allegedly so graphic that even TMZ won't leak it, which is saying something. Prejean has already had a nude photo leak and a boob job scandal, so the sex tape would be quite the hat trick. (Does this mean she has to give her boobs back?)

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The Best Links:

1. Carrie Prejean Sex Tape Scandal on BuzzFeed
2. Miss CA Sex Tape Forces Settlement?
3. Prejean Sex Tape Triggers Settlement
4. Carrie Prejean SEX TAPE Triggered Settlement
5. Carrie Prejean’s Sex Tape May Have Led To Settlement
6. Carrie Prejean Called Her Sex Tape ‘Disgusting’…Before Realizing It Was Her
7. Carrie Prejean’s Sex Tape EXPOSED
8. Carrie Prejean Nude Photo Scandal - Featured on BuzzFeed
9. Carrie’s pastor weighs in.
10. Miss California Wants Their Boobs Back - Featured on BuzzFeed

Link: http://www.vbs.tv/watch/munchies/davi...

Even if you are not a David Chang fanchild, you will most likely enjoy this video of a person getting hammered and yelling about ham. Drunkeness starts about 7 minutes in (via The Awl )

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Free Reality TV Idea: Dancing With The Stars' Dogs. Can you say “greenlight?”

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Just doing my job as the resident Retro Heartthrob Editor. (This was obviously some sort of marketing scheme, but listen: when a crowd of Lloyd Doblers are roaming around New York, you don't ask questions. UPDATE: Now with video.)

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The Best Links:

1. via Cinematical

To even the aging score , let us today explore the saddest of male aging phenomenons: the face puff. (This post was pretty tough for me personally—I had to spend a good 30 minutes watching Romeo + Juliet clips just to get through it.)

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The Best Links:

1. The Official Lindsay Lohan Aging Timeline - Featured on BuzzFeed
2. An appropriate soundtrack.

These American Girl dolls (are those “Make Your Own”?) are really into Mexican food and starfish accessories. Much like myself.

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The Best Links:

1. Via Molls

Shark Attack fashion is really taking off. I am looking forward to the sneakers (or maybe some pants a la Winkers? ).

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The Best Links:

1. Shark Attack Hat - Featured on BuzzFeed
2. Shark Attack Hoodie - Featured on BuzzFeed
3. Shark Attack Wetsuit - Featured on BuzzFeed

Everything Is Terrible tracked down the nice lady from the cat massage video, and she sent them the next video in her series. You are a sport and a sage, Maryjean Ballner!

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The Best Links:

1. Via Everything is Terrible
2. How To Give A Full-Body Cat Massage - Featured on BuzzFeed

I am guessing that “Sweet Lemon Chello” belongs to Danny DeVito.

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The Best Links:

1. via Reddit