1. Being hungover.
2. Buying fruit to make smoothies, then watching it sadly rot.
3. Not replying to text messages.
5. Ironic hashtags.
6. Sighing when your parents FaceTime you.
7. Fizzy drinks.
8. Second lunches.
9. Judging the lunches of others.
11. Using emojiis as punctuation.
12. Using tiredness as an excuse.
13. Taking quizzes.
14. Taking quizzes and then taking them again to get a different result.
17. Padding things out.
18. Inviting people to your DJ night.
19. Being annoyed when people don’t come to your DJ night.
20. Making Spotify playlists that are just one song on repeat.
21. Buying coconut water because you think it will help your hangover.
22. Buying coconut water.
23. Thinking more about what you’ll wear to the gym than going to the gym.
24. Instagramming your lunch.
25. Art directing your photo before Instagramming your lunch.
26. Sending Snapchats that are just text messages in disguise.
27. Replying to text messages with “K”.
28. Pretending to not eat gluten except for when it’s in cakes.
30. Bringing lunch from home only to eat half a sandwich and a chocolate bar instead.
31. Googling yourself.
32. Weighing yourself.
33. Googling yourself while weighing yourself.
34. Lurking on Skype messenger.
35. Lurking on Facebook chat.
36. Wearing sunglasses indoors.
37. Downloading books onto your Kindle that you will never read.
38. Having opinions about the books on your Kindle that you have not yet read.
39. Watching television while tweeting.
40. Tweeting while hanging out with friends.
41. Tweeting about television you are not even watching.
42. Sharing your NikePlus stats to Twitter.
43. Sharing your NikePlus stats to Facebook.
44. Sharing your NikePlus stats to Twitter and Facebook.
45. Padding things out.
46. Being a “social smoker”.
47. Ragging on LinkedIn.
48. Ragging on Google+.
49. Following and unfollowing people on social media, so they know you’re watching.
52. Drinking to excess.
53. Smoking when drinking to excess.
54. Drinking when smoking to excess.
55. Going to Chicken Cottage at 2 a.m. after drinking to excess.
56. Getting notions.
57. Putting on airs.
58. Acting like you’re special or something.
60. Wondering if other people’s subtweets are about you.
61. Facebook stalking.
62. Secretly hoping someone else is Facebook stalking you.
63. Falling in love too easily.
64. Swearing at the TV when Jeremy Clarkson comes on.
65. Secretly liking Jeremy Clarkson.
66. Pretending not to like Jeremy Clarkson because you’re worried about what your friends will think.
67. Padding things out.
68. Hate-reading Daily Mail articles.
69. Hate-reading news website comments.
70. Leaving comments on news websites.
71. Not calling your mother enough.
72. Calling your mother too much.
73. Calling other people’s mothers too much.
74. Giving the area where you live a cutesy nickname.
75. Using the phrase “just sayin’”.
76. Using the phrase “that’s what she said”.
77. Using the phrase “put all the money in the bag and no sudden moves”.
78. Padding things out.
79. Crying alone in a darkened room.
80. Crying with somebody else in a darkened room.
81. Looking at internet porn.
82. Creating internet porn.
83. Writing elaborate fan fiction in which characters from internet porn have dull nonsexual interactions over a cup of tea.
84. Going to bars you don’t like to listen to music you hate because it’s your friend’s DJ night.
85. Lying to your DJ friend about what you’re doing on Thursday.
86. Pretending that you never got that text message.
87. Planning holidays you’ll never take.
88. Stopping by estate agents’ windows to gawp at houses you will never afford.
89. Muttering “small penis” under your breath when an expensive car drives past.
90. Running down corridors with your hand to your ear so it looks like you’re a secret service agent.
91. Subtly waving your hand at automatic doors just before they open so it looks like you’re a Jedi.
92. Trying to work out which of your fellow passengers on public transport is most likely to be a spy.
93. Making up insulting nicknames in your head for other people on public transport, like “Douchey McStupidhat” or “Captain Smellsalot”.
94. Planning your wedding to someone you’ve never actually spoken to.
95. Getting angry about your subsequent hypothetical divorce from someone you still haven’t ever spoken to.
96. Putting on puppet shows for yourself in the mirror using a pair of socks.
97. That thing you do with your ears.
98. Padding things out.
99. Writing lists.