1. The tiny patch of hair missed when shaving.
What: The razor is back in the bathroom cabinet, the shaving foam has been wiped off the sink. Getting dressed, you run your hands over your smooth skin. Except, there’s a bit you’ve missed. You’re running late now and have no time to fix it. You’ll have to leave the house like this. Like a plonker.
Suggestion: Bro-muda Triangle.
Usage: ‘Oh no, I got sucked into the Bromuda Triangle again’.
2. The feeling of righteous but futile fury when replying to a comment online.
What: Reading a lively article, you see reaction upon reaction, each more wrong than the last. Your logic abandoned, your fingers fly furiously upon the keyboard. With each keystroke you know how this will end. But anger fuels you further.
Usage: ‘I knew weighing in would be a kamikazkey mission, but I couldn’t help myself’.
3. The taste of someone else’s chips.
What: No sweeter taste than a snack which is not yours. No crunchier bite than a chip stolen from someone else’s plate. No chip more golden than your neighbour’s, no thrill like snatching the last chip from across the table. And it’s not the same if they offer it to you.
Suggestion: Prize fries.
Usage: ‘Sorry for eating your dinner, but you know how it is with prize fries’.
4. The urge to steal something when drunk.
What: Drinks are flowing, the dancefloor is filling up, you’re having the time of your life. However, one jager later, and you spot it. The thing that will make your life complete. You can’t imagine how you ever lived without it. This traffic cone in the smoking area is everything. You must have it, whatever the cost.
Suggestion: Vodka fingers.
Usage: ‘Morning guys. You can thank my vodka fingers for our new set of pint glasses’.
5. The collection of nondescript but also seemingly important bits of paper kept in a wallet.
What: You remember a time when your wallet only held your cards, cash and maybe some stamps. But receipts breed receipts. You’d clear it out, only you’re half-sure that you need to keep that scrap of paper for something, and you’re only three lattes away from a free coffee on that loyalty card.
Suggestion: Tree coffin.
Usage: ‘My wallet’s turned into a tree coffin’.
6. The shame you feel upon eating your lunch before noon.
What: No matter how early you may have risen, or how slight your breakfast may have been. No matter how much you are looking forward to what’s in your lunch box, or how late you may have gotten to bed the night before. No matter the circumstances, it is impossible not to feel embarrassed eating your lunch before midday.
Usage: ‘James gastro-guilted me because I ate my sandwich at 11’.
7. The self-conscious feeling when you walk out of a hairdressers and you’re convinced everyone ‘knows’.
What: Within the threshold of the hairdressers, you are a glorious peacock. You preen in front of the mirror, happily re-arranging your new ‘do. You pay, and walk out the door, into the street. Where you immediately feel awkward and over-done. You are a snake that has just shed its skin, unwillingly on show, and embarrassed by the change you’ve undergone.
Usage: ‘The hairdresser put in too much gel, so I was a bit hairsterical on the way home’.
8. Being justifiably cross with someone for something they did to you in a dream.
What: Someone has done you wrong. You know they have. They just won’t acknowledge it. Typical. Even though the incident occurred in a dream, you’re still irate. If only they’d apologize, then everything would be fine. Except they won’t. So you fume.
Suggestion: Pillow rage.
Usage: ‘I’m not cross at you. I’ve just got pillow rage because you threw a pie in my face in my dream’.
9. The voice that people use when speaking to their pets.
What: ‘Who is a handsome dog? You are. You are so handsome. Would you like to come for a walk? Will we get your lead? We will! We’ll get your lead and then go and see if Cooper’s in the park too. Cooper! Your friend! Your doggy friend!’
Usage: ‘Don’t mind Sandra. She always pawsonifies her dog.’
10. The gesture that bus drivers make to each other when passing by.
What: Two buses pull up at the same traffic lights. There’s not much time. But in that brief moment, each bus driver leans across their cab and raises an indecipherable salute to the other. Do they learn it in drivers’ school? Is it a different gesture each time? We may never know.
Suggestion: The Cabin Code.
Usage: ‘Did you see it? The drivers just invoked the Cabin Code.’
11. The panic upon seeing that there is only one strand of toilet paper left.
What: Although it’s marginally better if it happens at home, the panic is the same. Distracted, you have sat down and gone about your business, only to realize that it is now too late. Your options are few, your discomfort is overwhelming. This is not ideal.
Suggestion: Andrex Anxiety.
Usage: ‘As soon as I locked the door, I got major Andrex anxiety’.
12. The brief, unattainable, time period where a pear is perfectly ripe.
What: What is it with pears? They are so fickle. ‘Oh no no’, they say. ‘It’s too chilly to ripen. Come back in a day’s time’. And in a heartbeat, they change their minds. ‘Sorry to interrupt’, they nudge. ‘But it actually got a bit warm in the fruitbowl, so we’ve rotted instead. Sorry to be a pain’.
Usage: ‘I’m so pleased with this pear. I managed to eat it just as it was at the right tempearature.’