The Definitive Ranking Of Drunk Food From Worst To Best

An impartial and highly scientific undertaking.

13. Cereal

Minimal effort, minimal reward. Cereal is for the boozer who just wants to go to bed.

12. Rustlers

The WKD of post-pub snacks. You could say you were being ironic, but we all know the truth.

11. Crisps

A stopgap, nothing more. Even with hummous, crisps aren’t going to help your head tomorrow morning.

10. Toast

Plain buttered toast (never margarine) is to drunk food what Ant and Dec are to presenting. It’s familiar and comforting, and will do a perfectly fine job.

9. The curveball

The palate wants what the palate wants. Whether it’s deep fried pickles or tuna mixed with nutella. Its ability to hit the spot can’t be faulted, but its indigestive qualities keep it out of the top five.

8. Instant noodles

With just a kettle full of boiling (or half-boiled, we all know how patience erodes in direct proportion to pints consumed) you too can witness actual magic. Hard noodles go soft, and scraps of vegetables appear from nowhere. Delicious, delicious magic.

7. McDonald’s / Burger King

The intersection of real life and drunk life is never more apparent than when you’re in the line at McDo, wondering why you never tried the McChicken Legend. Yet, the milkshakes override any social awkwardness, and dropped change at the till.

6. Curry

There is nothing more glorious than a curry with several beers in your belly. Rice adds excellent soakage, and naan encourages eating with your hands. What more could you want?

5. Pizza

Alone or with friends, pizza is the answer to every drunken question ever asked.

4. Kebab

 

So enticingly messy. So many salady bits to help you pretend that it’s healthy.

3. Ham and cheese toastie.

If you can assemble the ingredients. If you can heat up the Breville. If you can remember to butter the outside of the sandwich. If you wait until the toast browns. If you can avoid burning your mouth on the molten cheese. Then your reward will be this slice of heaven.

2. Fried chicken.

You will never be the only drunk person in a chicken shop.

1. Chips

 

Chips with gravy. Chips with cheese. Chips with mayo. Chips with beans. CHIPS.

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