16. Sam Smiths’ Ready Salted
Look at that pint. See how cold it is. Look at those crisps. Imagine how crunchy and salty they are. You have been misled. Sam Smiths are like photocopies of crisps. The closest they got to Ready Salted is when they see the tears of those who are about to eat them.
15. Tomato Snaps
Weird on every conceivable level. No crisps is better than these crisps.
14. Salt and Vinegar Discos
Curiously flat and round, with less crunch than would be imagined. Minus points for the UK Garage vibes of ‘flava’.
13. Onion Rings
Erring on the side of duff, but so moreish that any onion and semolina (yeah, seriously) residue is forgiven.
12. Steak McCoys
The Lynx Africa of crisps. Smelly, favoured by teenage boys, and absolutely fine when necessary.
11. Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips
These are dinner party crisps. ‘Oh, can I bring anything?’ you ask. ‘Just some nibbles’, your host replies. Then you spend a frantic 10 minutes in the corner shop and panic-buy posh crisps, when all anyone ever wanted was Pringles.
10. Thai Sweet Chilli Sensations
Edging in ahead of Kettle Chips, but still basically the same thing (without the twee packaging). Extra points for the flecks of coriander, which add the illusion of nutrition.
There is a reason this cartoon bear is wearing a crown, and that is because he knows he is king of imported German potato-based snacks.
8. Monster Munch
A lunchbox stalwart, which would have been in the top five if not for the Vanilla Monster Munch mis-step of yesteryear.
Comfortably effete, Skips are one of the few types of crisps that can be eaten on public transport without causing offence.
6. Hula Hoops
A tie, between Original flavour and Salt and Vinegar. Hula Hoops are dependably crunchy and also have the novelty value of being able to wear them as accessories. Kept out of the top five by the honking smell of the BBQ flavour.
Ignore all the guff about ‘baked’ and ‘low calorie’. All that matters is that the orange cheesy dust is as neon as ever.
4. Doritos Cool Original
You are allowed to substitute one, and only one, variant of Doritos here. It cannot be that weird lime one. If you substitute that version then you’re banned from crisps for life.
3. Pringles Sour Cream and Onion
This is indisputably the best flavour of Pringles. This is the Jennifer Lawrence of crisps. You could argue against it, but you’d be wrong.
Frazzles are the dirtiest of all crisps, but they will never judge you. Even when you can’t afford Frazzles and buy the cut-price ‘bacon fries’ from the cornershop, Frazzles will still be there for you.