27 Reasons Why You Should Never Tan

I’m hoping for rain this summer.

1. Cards on the table, I am pale. Irish pale. Like this girl sunbathing. No, not her. The other one.

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2. This is me.

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3. Fellow pale Irish person Niall Horan understands.

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4. Us pale people know to fear the sun. For us, tan is a four letter word.

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5. But I’m OK with it. Because tanning is awful.

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6. Up until the 1920s, it wasn’t considered refined in Western countries to tan.

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7. In fact, a backronym for the word ‘posh’ derives from the phrase ‘Port Out, Starboard Home’ - ie the shadiest sides of the ship on each voyage.

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8. Tanning came back into fashion after Coco Chanel accidentally got sunburnt on holidays.

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9. Her friends liked her suntan, and the trend caught on. Cheers, Coco.

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10. But really, let’s think about this. Is a tan worth it?

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11. Yeah, you can prove exactly how sunny your holiday was.

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12. And sure, you’ve got a sunkissed glow.

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13. But you’re hiding your true colours.

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14. No matter how much attention you pay to your suncream, there’ll always be a bit you miss.

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15. And you’ll have to live with the consequences of your actions.

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16. And let’s say, against all odds, you manage to avoid sunburn, and pick up a tan.

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17. Your friends will either tell you how odd you look…

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18. Or tell you how you look unwell once it fades.

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19. Fake tan’s not much better.

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20. Especially if you happen to get dumped.

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21. Let’s not even talk about tanning booths, or the health risks involved.

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22. Come on now. Would you rather be Lindsay, or Nicola?

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23. Donatella or Dita?

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24. Tan Mom or Tilda?

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25. Thought as much. So pick up that parasol.

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26. Throw on that sunhat.

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27. And come join me in the glorious, glorious shade.

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Ailbhe Malone is the UK lifestyle editor for BuzzFeed and is based in London.
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