17 Things You Should Never Say To A Female Football Fan

A penis is not a prerequisite for loving football.

1. "You're just trying to impress a man."

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In a 2013 survey of 500 British men, two-thirds admitted to pretending to like football in order to impress other men (although the results were debated at the time).

Who's faking now, lads?

2. "Shall I explain the rules to you?"

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If we don't ask for it, then we don't need your mansplanation. Thank you for offering, though. What a gent.

3. "Which player do you fancy then?"

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Just because you've been raised in a society that loves to objectify women, that doesn't necessarily mean we're looking to return the favour.*

*Not since David Beckham retired, anyway.

4. "You shouldn't be shouting like that, it's not ladylike."

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"We'll swear if we want,

We'll swear if we wa-ant,

Fuck your judgment,

We'll swear if we want."

5. "Too many women will ruin the atmosphere."

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The 41,000 women in this crowd might have something to say about that.

6. "Why aren't you watching the women's team?"

Getty / Kevin C. Cox

Why aren't you watching the women's team? Three reasons please, and none of them can be "they're not as good as the men".

7. "Guys must love you."

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Well duh, I am an awesome human being who counts football among her many interests. You just meant the football thing? Oh.

8. "Guys will be intimidated by you liking football."

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But you just said they'd love us for it? So confusing.

9. "Men can't let loose with women around."

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What is it about the presence of women that makes you uncomfortable? That guy doesn't care, and neither should you. Just do your thing.

10. "You don't care as much as the men do."

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According to this Glamour article, women don't get as emotionally involved in sports as men. Obviously the lady above didn't get that memo.

11. "Can you grab us some beers so we miss the half-time rush?"

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The eternal dilemma of the football fan: get beer early and risk missing a goal, or rush out at half-time and risk queueing for so long that you don't get beer. Unfortunately, "get the girls to go because they're not really watching anyway" isn't going to solve it.

12. "I bet you're pleased that they've finally started doing women's shirts."

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Because we can't wear anything that isn't skintight with a plunging neckline, amirite ladies?

13. "Female referees are a good idea in theory, but they just couldn't command the same level of respect as a man."

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I am utterly convinced that you wouldn't see players surround the ref as often if she was a woman. Please don't judge all men by your embarrassingly low standards.

14. "If you're such a fan, who won the Champions League in 2005?"

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Why? Have you forgotten?

15. "You just picked this team because they win."

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Ah yes, because women are incapable of following a football team for the same reasons as men (geography, family history etc).

16. "You wouldn't understand, you've never played properly."

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You do realise that your Sunday morning kickabout in the park in which your main tactic is to punt it to big Dave doesn't actually make you a professional footballer, don't you?

17. "You know a lot about football, for a girl."

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And you say a lot of words, for an arsehole.