99 Problems: Miss Piggy Answers Your Most Pressing Queries About Fashion, Career, Life

Every week in 99 Problems, wise women offer their expertise on real-world quandaries. In our first installment, Miss Piggy talks weddings, job interviews, and meeting men. And don’t forget to buy The Muppets on Blu-ray and DVD! posted on

Kissy Kissy! Tis Moi, Miss Piggy, star of the fabulous Oscar-Winning (for Best Song, not Best Actress…darn it!) motion picture “The Muppets”. And I am almost as thrilled as all of you to be the first ever guest advice columnist for BuzzFeed.com. Follow this advice and you can lead a diva-like life that is (almost) as fantastique as my own. Enjoy!…and don’t forget to see my movie.
–Miss Piggy

Dear Miss Piggy,
I am interviewing for my dream job next week, and I have no idea what to wear! Given the nature of the company, I believe I will have freedom to be more creative with my outfit than your standard business casual, but am afraid of crossing the line and coming across as too flashy. What do you suggest I wear? When you hire
people, how much do you notice their outfits?
–Aspiring Chief Outfit Officer

Wear whatever makes you feel fabulous! If it’s feathers, diamonds, rubies, bubbles, go for it! After all, who wants to work for someone who doesn’t appreciate the essence of your you-ness! At least that’s the way I’ve always approached job interviews, and it works for moi! (Of course, it helps to be a black belt in karate, just in case you run into resistance.) As for whether I notice what people I’m hiring are wearing: Of course! And as long as they’re not wearing the same outfit as moi, it’s all good!
–Miss Piggy

Dear Miss Piggy,
What do you do when your friends ask you to be a bridesmaid and then get totally demanding and expect you to devote all your energy and time and money to their wedding?
–Always a Bridesmaid, Never Happy About It

Simple, I eat a lot at the reception. Done properly, I can recoup the cost of the time energy and money I’ve spent on the wedding. Do that once and you’ll never get asked again. Good luck!
–Miss Piggy

Dear Miss Piggy,
Where are the best places to meet men as charming as Kermit in the big city?
–Without Sex in the City

You go anywhere near my frog, and you’ll be without the ability to breathe in the city. That said, the best place to meet charming men is at the jewelry store. Even if they aren’t as charming as Kermit, at least they can buy you something really expensive!
–Miss Piggy

Dear Miss Piggy
My partner and I live together and have very long, busy days at work. Too often, we only have energy at the end of the day to plop on the sofa and watch TV. Keeping in mind that we get home late and are understandably tired, how do we mix it up and do other relaxing, enriching, occasionally romantic things in our free after-work time
during the week? (Also we live in NYC, so it’s not like we’re stuck in a boring suburb.)
–Couch Po-gay-to

The secret is to sleep at work. I’m sure you both have important and demanding jobs, but really… some of those meetings are soooo boring. Why not catch a few zzzz’s? Snooze during conference calls. Nod off during synergy meetings. And nothing is more satisfying than a power nap during a power point presentation. This way, when you get home, you’ll be all rested and ready to go at it with your significant other! As for living in NYC, that’s perfect. There are so many people who look like they’re already asleep during the day, no one will notice you.

Oh, this advice has me so inspired, I may take a little shut eye right…Snnnxxxx!!!
–Miss Piggy

Dear Miss Piggy,
Are you a bottle blond or a natural blond? And if you’re not a natural blond, what tips do you have for other bottle blonds so they can stay lustrous?
–Tressed Out

Moi’s is natural. (I stopped taking a bottle back when I was just a child.) I get up in the morning, go into the closet and pick out whichever hair looks most natural.

As for keeping your hair lustrous, I have a guy come in twice a week to wash, wax and detail all my hair. Fabulous work. His name is Boris of Bayonne; I’ll look up his number for you. Good luck!
–Miss Piggy

Your therapist not doing you any favors? Email questions for our next advice columnist at advice@buzzfeed.com.

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

Facebook Conversations
          
    Hot Buzz

    Miss. Republican Senate Candidate’s Thoughts On Gays, Drugs, Libertarians

    ew

    The 67 Louisiana Lawmakers Who Just Voted That Gay Sex Should Be Illegal

    wtf
    Now Buzzing