1. We don’t care how much you talk about your swamp-ass Louie, WE STILL NEED YOU.
2. So Tilda, people say you’re strange, androgynous, and birdlike? SOUNDS PERFECT.
3. My God Steve, those eyes! Piercing and bulging all at once?! BE STILL MY LOINS.
4. Lena, don’t listen to the haters. You are smarter and sexier then all of them. AND MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR US.
5. Vincent Smarmy Kartheiser. More like Vincent SMART OF ME TO TAKE YOU SEXUALLY Kartheiser.
6. All of the unending hate with people claiming how snobby, pretentious, and aggravating you are? YEAH THAT’S JUST CAUSE THEY CAN’T HAVE YOU.
7. Oh Bobby, you try so damn hard on SNL and we all did a little victory dance when you got to go home with Allison Williams on GIRLS (Lena gets it), but then we were jealous BECAUSE WE WANT YOU.
8. Okay, Miley, so you wear this outfit and twerk and it makes a lot of us uncomfortable BUT ALSO YOU’RE DAMN FINE AND WE’LL DENY IT NO LONGER.
9. Lucille Bluth, we don’t care if you’re fictional, TEACH US WHAT YOU KNOW.
10. You’re too cute for words, Ellen. We know you have Portia, BUT LOVE US.
11. Judi, you’re even sexier than you were 10 years ago, or damn, even 40 years ago. FORTY YEARS.
12. Lane, you’re fictional, but adorable and when you punched Pete we were like DAMN WHAT A MAN.
13. People talk about you being chubby cute all the time AND WE TOTALLY UNDERSTAND, SETH.
14. Sarah Jessica, you have every right to be tired of the haters. They speak as if THE HORSE ISNT A MAJESTIC CREATURE.
In The News Today
- After mounting pressure from other European countries, Britain will accept thousands more refugees from UN camps bordering Syria, Prime Minister David Cameron announced. ›
- A Guatemalan judge ordered former President Otto Perez Molina held in jail overnight while hearings over the corruption scandal that led to his resignation take place. ›
- The Justice Dept. has tightened rules on cell phone tracking, forcing federal agencies to get a warrant. ›