Promoted

What Your Favorite Mall Food Says About You

It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this slice of Sbarro pizza.

Auntie Anne’s

Auntie Anne's

T: Everyone who chooses Anne’s is a rockstar. It brings the world together.
K: She’s literally the aunt everyone wants: just a giant pretzel covered in sugar.
A: People who choose pretzels at the mall know how to live. They make love like champions.
K: I feel like those pretzels are the ultimate child pacifiers. Kid’s crying, give it a pretzel, kid is no longer crying.
T: Teen is angsty with mom for not buying the shell necklace at Pac Sun, give it a pretzel, teen is no longer angsty.
A: I feel like Beyoncé would head straight for the pretzel stand and get two sour cream & onion pretzels, one for her and one for Blue Ivy, and then she’d eat them both in the limo.
J: My mom used to get me the regular pretzel. I had no idea of the other options until I was a teen on my own at the mall. We don’t speak anymore.

Sbarro

Sbarro

A: People who eat at Sbarro know they’re going to die young from too much Sbarro and they’re like, “Whatev, man.”
T: Yeah, people who choose Sbarro know exactly what they’re getting and they DON’T CARE.
J: Sbarro is where the “dab your pizza with a napkin” idea originated.
K: Sbarro is legitimately delicious.
A: Date someone who eats at Sbarro. They’ll accept you for you.

Panda Express

Panda Express

T: Panda Express is for white girls who love orange chicken and call it Chinese Food.
J: People who eat at Panda Express only eat at Panda Express because the other mall options are too crowded.
A: People who eat at Panda Express probably couldn’t point out a real panda at the zoo.
K: Panda Express is for people who are too lazy to drive over to the real chinese restaurant.
A: It’s great hangover food, though.
K: AND THOSE SAMPLES IN THE MEDICINAL PLASTIC CUPS WITH THE TOOTHPICK!
A: Panda Express fans eat the toothpick sometimes by accident.

Hot Dog on a Stick

Hot Dog on a Stick

K: Hot Dog on a Stick is for people whowant to feel like they’re at the county fair without actually going to the county fair.
A: Hot Dog on a Stick is for moms and dads who need to eat but also hold 15 bags of back-to-school underwear for their teen who hates them.
K: People who need to get to Macy’s, like, now.
T: The food was designed to be held with 6 shopping bags on your arms, so you’re comfortably browsing The Body Shop with a corn dog in tow.
A: Yeah and you’re like, “Why does Body Shop have hot dog scented lotion oh wait that’s me.

Kelly’s Cajun Grill

Kelly's Cajun Grill

T: I feel like only large families or single dudes go to Cajun Grill.
J: Cajun Grill is for daredevils who like to eat mall seafood in landlocked states.
A: It’s is for bros who don’t mind farting for the rest of the afternoon. You eat at Cajun Grill and you’re like, “I’mma go fart for 29 minutes straight in Hollister.”
T: But the Hollister scent masks it so no one knows but you.
A: I love Cajun Grill.

K: TCBY fans are all on Team Edward.
J: People who say their favorite mall food is TCBY are just trying to hide their love of Panda Express.
A: People who go to TCBY just came from half-assing it at yoga.
J: TCBY is for middle schoolers who think they’re cooler than you.
A: People who get TCBY soft-serve have never had real frozen yogurt or probably even yogurt and maybe wouldn’t recognize a vegetable if they saw it.
K: They buy vitamins but forget to take them.
A: People who eat TCBY love Nicholas Sparks movie adaptations. They love sneaking TCBY into Nicholas Sparks movie adaptations.

Jamba Juice

Jamba Juice

K: Jamba Juice is the Regina George of juice joints.
A: Cool moms like to carry Jamba Juice around Target while shopping for home essentials.
T: It’s an extension of their hand, which also has a purse hanging off of it.
K: And they pronounce “Jamba” like “jam.”
J: If Taylor Swift had less money, she would spend a lot of time at Jamba Juice.
K: People who go to Jamba Juice always ask bartenders if they can make a piña colada.
A: Thay say things like, “BRB, gotta get my Jamba Juice! Can’t live without my Jamba Juice.”
J: And they really want to tell you all about their Zumba classes.

Orange Julius

Orange Julius

A: People who go to Orange Julius think Jamba Juice is “gourmet” and pretentious.
J: The people who love Orange Julius are the same people who plan their July around free slurpee day at 7-Eleven.
A: They take time off from work whenever Michael Bay releases a new movie.
K: Orange Julius fans miss the age of the VHS tape.
A: They’re annoyed that Blockbuster went out of business.
J: Most Orange Julius fans lost their virginity in the backseat of a Volvo.
A: if you go to their home, everything is covered in a thin layer of Cool Ranch dust.

Dippin’ Dots

Dippin' Dots

A: Dippin’ Dots fans will be attending a full scholarship next year to MIT.
K: Fact: if you eat Dippin’ Dots as a child, you will become a Fulbright Scholar.
T: They also are just splendid people who lead splendid lives.
A: Dippin’ Dots fans can actually tell you how Dippin’ Dots is made, but not be condescending about it.
K: Dippin’ Dots fans still watch Bill Nye on YouTube.
T: People who always choose Dippin’ Dots know that Dippin’ Dots choose you back.

Mrs. FIelds Cookies

Mrs. FIelds Cookies

A: Mrs. Fields is where you go when Cajun Grill didn’t fill you up all the way.
J: It’s what you get your kid when Auntie Anne’s is too far away and you need it to shut up immediately.
K: People who go to Mrs. Fields literally don’t give a shit about anything.
A: Mrs. Fields is for people who like to fake faint for attention.

Cinnabon

Cinnabon

K: People who go to Cinnabon are great at foreplay.
A: People who regularly go to Cinnabon have probably eaten a Cinnabon on the toilet.
J: Cinnabon is the Parks & Rec “Treat Yo’ Self” of mall foods.
A: They eat Cinnabon VERY slowly with their eyes closed. And they feel OK saying the word “climax.”
T: No, they “start” and they “finish.”
A: They don’t start, they “commence.”
T: If their significant other was stranded on a highway, they would stop to get a Cinnabon before rescuing them.

Quiznos

Quiznos

K: There’s a reason they don’t call it “Quizyes.”
A: Ugh, if that joke was a person, it would eat at Quiznos.
T: People who go to Quiznos make a lot of plans and always fall through.
J: People who like Quiznos only hang out with other people who like Quiznos.
A: People who eat at Quiznos are gonna play Call of Duty later.
J: “I gotta run to GameStop. Meet at Quiznos in 30?”
A: Quiznos fans will attend an orgy at some point in their lives.
K: Quizno’s fans are still into Sugar Ray.

Mall Sushi

Sarku

Everyone: Ew.

Chick-fil-A

Chick-fil-A

T: Chick-fil-A is for families who spend ALLLLL day at Macy’s.
A: Yeah, people who shop ALL DAY and come to the mall with a list and a hand drawn map of the building. And COUPONS.
J: “Bed Bath & Beyond coupons never expire!”—people who love Chick-fil-A.
A: People who eat at Chick-fil-A love the Oscars, but have never seen any of the nominated movies except for Frozen.
K: People who eat Chick-fil-A aren’t afraid to rock a fanny pack.
J: Chick-fil-A love Six Flags.
A: They even love the song in Six Flags commercials.

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

 
 
    Hot Buzz

    Why Is CrossFit Important To You?

    collection

    85 Happy Thoughts To Celebrate Every Day

    collection
    Now Buzzing