T: Everyone who chooses Anne’s is a rockstar. It brings the world together.
K: She’s literally the aunt everyone wants: just a giant pretzel covered in sugar.
A: People who choose pretzels at the mall know how to live. They make love like champions.
K: I feel like those pretzels are the ultimate child pacifiers. Kid’s crying, give it a pretzel, kid is no longer crying.
T: Teen is angsty with mom for not buying the shell necklace at Pac Sun, give it a pretzel, teen is no longer angsty.
A: I feel like Beyoncé would head straight for the pretzel stand and get two sour cream & onion pretzels, one for her and one for Blue Ivy, and then she’d eat them both in the limo.
J: My mom used to get me the regular pretzel. I had no idea of the other options until I was a teen on my own at the mall. We don’t speak anymore.
A: People who eat at Sbarro know they’re going to die young from too much Sbarro and they’re like, “Whatev, man.”
T: Yeah, people who choose Sbarro know exactly what they’re getting and they DON’T CARE.
J: Sbarro is where the “dab your pizza with a napkin” idea originated.
K: Sbarro is legitimately delicious.
A: Date someone who eats at Sbarro. They’ll accept you for you.
T: Panda Express is for white girls who love orange chicken and call it Chinese Food.
J: People who eat at Panda Express only eat at Panda Express because the other mall options are too crowded.
A: People who eat at Panda Express probably couldn’t point out a real panda at the zoo.
K: Panda Express is for people who are too lazy to drive over to the real chinese restaurant.
A: It’s great hangover food, though.
K: AND THOSE SAMPLES IN THE MEDICINAL PLASTIC CUPS WITH THE TOOTHPICK!
A: Panda Express fans eat the toothpick sometimes by accident.
K: Hot Dog on a Stick is for people whowant to feel like they’re at the county fair without actually going to the county fair.
A: Hot Dog on a Stick is for moms and dads who need to eat but also hold 15 bags of back-to-school underwear for their teen who hates them.
K: People who need to get to Macy’s, like, now.
T: The food was designed to be held with 6 shopping bags on your arms, so you’re comfortably browsing The Body Shop with a corn dog in tow.
A: Yeah and you’re like, “Why does Body Shop have hot dog scented lotion oh wait that’s me.”
T: I feel like only large families or single dudes go to Cajun Grill.
J: Cajun Grill is for daredevils who like to eat mall seafood in landlocked states.
A: It’s is for bros who don’t mind farting for the rest of the afternoon. You eat at Cajun Grill and you’re like, “I’mma go fart for 29 minutes straight in Hollister.”
T: But the Hollister scent masks it so no one knows but you.
A: I love Cajun Grill.
K: TCBY fans are all on Team Edward.
J: People who say their favorite mall food is TCBY are just trying to hide their love of Panda Express.
A: People who go to TCBY just came from half-assing it at yoga.
J: TCBY is for middle schoolers who think they’re cooler than you.
A: People who get TCBY soft-serve have never had real frozen yogurt or probably even yogurt and maybe wouldn’t recognize a vegetable if they saw it.
K: They buy vitamins but forget to take them.
A: People who eat TCBY love Nicholas Sparks movie adaptations. They love sneaking TCBY into Nicholas Sparks movie adaptations.
K: Jamba Juice is the Regina George of juice joints.
A: Cool moms like to carry Jamba Juice around Target while shopping for home essentials.
T: It’s an extension of their hand, which also has a purse hanging off of it.
K: And they pronounce “Jamba” like “jam.”
J: If Taylor Swift had less money, she would spend a lot of time at Jamba Juice.
K: People who go to Jamba Juice always ask bartenders if they can make a piña colada.
A: Thay say things like, “BRB, gotta get my Jamba Juice! Can’t live without my Jamba Juice.”
J: And they really want to tell you all about their Zumba classes.
A: People who go to Orange Julius think Jamba Juice is “gourmet” and pretentious.
J: The people who love Orange Julius are the same people who plan their July around free slurpee day at 7-Eleven.
A: They take time off from work whenever Michael Bay releases a new movie.
K: Orange Julius fans miss the age of the VHS tape.
A: They’re annoyed that Blockbuster went out of business.
J: Most Orange Julius fans lost their virginity in the backseat of a Volvo.
A: if you go to their home, everything is covered in a thin layer of Cool Ranch dust.
A: Dippin’ Dots fans will be attending a full scholarship next year to MIT.
K: Fact: if you eat Dippin’ Dots as a child, you will become a Fulbright Scholar.
T: They also are just splendid people who lead splendid lives.
A: Dippin’ Dots fans can actually tell you how Dippin’ Dots is made, but not be condescending about it.
K: Dippin’ Dots fans still watch Bill Nye on YouTube.
T: People who always choose Dippin’ Dots know that Dippin’ Dots choose you back.
A: Mrs. Fields is where you go when Cajun Grill didn’t fill you up all the way.
J: It’s what you get your kid when Auntie Anne’s is too far away and you need it to shut up immediately.
K: People who go to Mrs. Fields literally don’t give a shit about anything.
A: Mrs. Fields is for people who like to fake faint for attention.
K: People who go to Cinnabon are great at foreplay.
A: People who regularly go to Cinnabon have probably eaten a Cinnabon on the toilet.
J: Cinnabon is the Parks & Rec “Treat Yo’ Self” of mall foods.
A: They eat Cinnabon VERY slowly with their eyes closed. And they feel OK saying the word “climax.”
T: No, they “start” and they “finish.”
A: They don’t start, they “commence.”
T: If their significant other was stranded on a highway, they would stop to get a Cinnabon before rescuing them.
K: There’s a reason they don’t call it “Quizyes.”
A: Ugh, if that joke was a person, it would eat at Quiznos.
T: People who go to Quiznos make a lot of plans and always fall through.
J: People who like Quiznos only hang out with other people who like Quiznos.
A: People who eat at Quiznos are gonna play Call of Duty later.
J: “I gotta run to GameStop. Meet at Quiznos in 30?”
A: Quiznos fans will attend an orgy at some point in their lives.
K: Quizno’s fans are still into Sugar Ray.
T: Chick-fil-A is for families who spend ALLLLL day at Macy’s.
A: Yeah, people who shop ALL DAY and come to the mall with a list and a hand drawn map of the building. And COUPONS.
J: “Bed Bath & Beyond coupons never expire!”—people who love Chick-fil-A.
A: People who eat at Chick-fil-A love the Oscars, but have never seen any of the nominated movies except for Frozen.
K: People who eat Chick-fil-A aren’t afraid to rock a fanny pack.
J: Chick-fil-A love Six Flags.
A: They even love the song in Six Flags commercials.