The Little Mermaid
1. Ariel is a child bride. She marries Eric when she’s 16.
2. She’s also a hoarder, as evidenced from her cave of knick-knacks. Hoarding can be a symptom of very serious mental illness.
3. She has books and a painting in her hoarder den, but how have they not disintegrated? Why doesn’t this fantasy movie abide by the laws of science, huh?
4. Ariel is totally content to give up everything important to her for a man. A boring man. Cute, but boring.
5. Flounder isn’t even a flounder, he’s a guppy. This is a flounder. It’s disgusting.
6. Speaking of fish, there’s a character called the “blackfish” which is pretty much a racist caricature:
7. Ariel loses her voice, but why doesn’t she just write Eric a letter? She signed Ursula’s contract, so she’s obviously not illiterate. Is she just lazy? What kind of role model is a lazy mermaid?
8. The mer-people probably eat slime, seaweed, and algae. What else is there to eat, besides their fishy friends? Think about Ariel licking slime off a rock for a second. Yeah, gross.
9. During “Kiss the Girl,” Sebastian encourages Eric to kiss Ariel without even asking her. Ever heard of consent, buddy?
10. In the original fairy tale, the Little Mermaid is forced to choose between killing the prince or killing herself. She can’t kill the prince, so she flings herself into the sea and dissolves into sea foam.
11. Aladdin is hella racist. The movie opens with a song that calls the Middle East barbaric.
12. The lyric “where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face” proved so controversial it had to be removed.
13. Have you listened to “A Whole New World” recently? That song is straight up about sex.
14. How fucked up is it that Jasmine’s slave clothes are way cooler than her normal princess digs?
Beauty and the Beast
15. Beauty and the Beast essentially teaches that bestiality is A-OK. The Beast is an animal. Belle is human. Uhhh. Hot, I guess?
16. The movie also teaches that you can change guys with intense anger issues if you stick around long enough.
17. Belle is the Beast’s prisoner but eventually falls in love with him. There’s a name for that: Stockholm Syndrome.
18. If you do the math, the Beast was a preteen when he was cursed… for not letting a stranger into his home. Who in their right mind curses a child who’s just following the rules of stranger danger?
19. Those violent villagers had to know the Beast was human. Were they oblivious to that castle in the woods prior to the spell being cast? The Beast was cursed 10 years ago, not 100. They knew what was up and they still went after him. Assholes.
20. All the Beast’s servants were turned into inanimate objects, right? During “Be Our Guest,” all those beer steins and popping champagne bottles are…barfing? Are they dying?
21. Aurora’s father, the king, is a complete idiot. He orders every spinning wheel to be burned after his daughter is cursed — nevermind the fact that more wheels can and will be manufactured in the next 16 years.
22. Not to mention that without spinning wheels, how are new clothes supposed to be made? A Disney movie full of naked people probably wouldn’t get a G rating. Not a smart man, the king.
23. The red fairy’s gift to Aurora is beauty. Great lesson for kids right there. Why not the gift of creativity, or innovation?
24. Phillip and Aurora are meant to be part of an arranged marriage. Philip meets Aurora when she’s a baby.
25. Aurora grows up in a cottage in the woods, but still has perfectly sleek and bouncy hair. Hello unrealistic hair expectations.
26. Aurora is expected to marry Prince Philip at 16, when he’s in his twenties. Sure, this is a fairy tale, but c’mon. That’s illegal and weird.
27. The fairies refuse to allow Aurora to celebrate her 16th birthday even a few hours late, which leads to Aurora pricking her finger before sundown. Exactly how spoiled is this girl? Everything could’ve been avoided if they moved her birthday party by a single day.
28. When they realize they’ve fucked up, the fairies try to cover up their mistake by putting everyone to sleep in the kingdom. That is some bullshit.
29. In real life, John Smith was way too old for Pocahontas. He wrote that she was “a child of tenne years old.” John, ya nasty.
30. According to the Powhatan Nation, Pocahontas didn’t even like John Smith.
31. “Pocahontas” isn’t actually a name. It’s a Powhatan nickname that means “spoiled child.”
32. The real Pocahontas died when she was 21. Maybe that’s why there was no Pocahontas III.
33. The entire movie is likely based on lies the real John Smith told.
34. The Powhatan people offered to assist Disney with cultural and historical accuracy but were rejected. Probably because they didn’t have any cute animal sidekicks.
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