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The Ten Feline Commandments

Thou shalt meow.

1. Thou shalt have no other cats before me, nor give nuzzles to other kitties, even if they are cute.

But if we purr in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of that dead bird from the back porch cleanses us from all sin. - Meowverbs 1:7

2. Thou shalt not kill, for that is my job, except I won’t kill anything all the way, and instead leave it on the carpet for you to finish off.

You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to scratches. - Catthew 5:21

3. Thou shalt upload no fewer than 3 photos of your cat to Instagram per week, but no more than 2 per day, as not to annoy thy followers.

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Give us this day our daily cat photo. - Moewderonomy 6:11

4. Thou shalt have no fewer than 12 nicknames for your pet.

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A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, and favor is better than silver or gold. -Meowderonomy 22:1

5. Thou shalt fill thy home with toys, treats, and at least one comfy cat bed in every room.

A faithful kitty will abound with blessings, but whoever hastens to be rich will not go unpunished. —Purrinthians 28:20

6. Thou shalt be late for work if your kitty is particularly snuggly in the morning.

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Cat, make me dwell in safety. - Catthew 4:8

7. Thou shalt give nibbles of your turkey sandwich to your kitty, because sharing is caring.

 

Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to kitties. - Meowderonomy 13:16

8. Thou shalt not leave drinks on the counter, lest they be knocked to the floor, because every flat surface is fair game for felines.

 

For each will have to bear his own load of dirty dishes, because if you don’t clean them your cat will knock them all to the floor and then you’ll have to buy a new set at Ikea. - Meowverbs 6:5

9. “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s cat.”

For I feel a divine jealousy for you, since I betrothed you to one kitty. - Purrinthians 11:2

10. Honor mine father and mine mother, even though my mother was an alleycat and my father was feral.

Tell your kittens of it, and let your kittens tell their kittens, and their kittens to another generation. - Meowverbs 1:3

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