1. You get to layer again.
Fall is fantastic because you get to wear extra clothes and cover up that late-summer belly pooch you developed from too many August barbecues. Plus your weird tan lines will have a chance to fade in private.
2. Green leaves are OUT. Time for red, yellow, and purple foliage. The slow decay of Mother Nature is lovely to behold.
Also, crunchy leaves sound so satisfying under your feet, and the smell of wet leaves isn’t entirely nauseating.
3. Autumn means cozy midnight bonfires!
Whether you’re stealing kisses with your boo on the beach or summoning the devil to do your vile bidding, a crackling bonfire makes it a night to remember!
4. Fall means Thanksgiving is close, which is great for one simple reason: turkey leftovers for WEEKS, BRUH. YAAAAAAASSSSSS.
With any luck, you’ll have enough turkey to last you through the cold, lonely winter. Get used to turkey now, because it might be the only flesh your lips will touch until spring, when the hotties crawl back out of the sewers to begin a new mating season.
5. By last winter the mere sight of pumpkin spice anything revolted you, but enough time has passed that pumpkin is new and exciting again.
(Side note: why exactly does everyone get crazy for pumpkin spice every year, considering how little we eat real pumpkin? Has anyone ever eaten an actual pumpkin? Probably not. Show me one person who ate a pumpkin and lived. Pumpkins are weird alien gourds and if lattes were made with real pumpkin, we’d all collectively vomit until dead.)
6. It gets dark earlier in the fall, which sounds like a bummer, but think about it: you can start drinking with purpose at, like, 4 PM. Gone are the days of feeling guilty for getting drunk in broad daylight like you did all summer.
Fun fact: daylight savings time was invented by drunk twenty-somethings who wanted an extra couple hours a day to get wrecked. Whatever you’ve heard about farmers is a lie.
7. Autumn is the best season for cooking shows. Our Lord and Savior Ina Garten will probably have entire episodes devoted to obscure squash.
Martha Stewart will decorate her entire studio space with tiny pumpkins, probably with googly eyes hot glued to them. Giada De Laurentiis will somehow manage to pronounce the word noodle with an Italian accent. Paula Deen won’t do anything because she is dead to us.
8. No more reruns! All your favorite shows are returning, plus a plethora of new shows (half of which will be cancelled by November).
You’ll probably get hopelessly attached to a Jenna Elfman show that will be cancelled after 13 episodes. It’ll be replaced midseason with a CSI spin off, which will run for eleven years.
9. All the emotional Oscar bait movies come out in Fall. You’ll get super excited, but in the end you’ll only see the one starring Sandra Bullock.
By the time the Oscars roll around, you’ll lament that you’ve barely seen any of the nominated films, and yet somehow you’ll still be able to accurately predict about 80% of the results. 90% if David O. Russell releases a movie with Jennifer Lawrence in it.
10. Autumn means early morning fog. You can pretend you’re in a Twilight novel! Or a Silent Hill game. Whichever.
Both are equally romantic.
11. Oh, and BTW, autumn means we’re that much closer to CHRISTMAS. Who says you can’t get excited for the holidays in August? Bye.
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