Food

A Definitive Ranking Of Every Burger Side

May the lards be ever in your flavor…

15. Packaged Potato Chips

Charisma: 0
Uniqueness: 0
Taste: 3
Je ne sais quoi factor: 0
Total: 3

Verdict: Potato chips from a package are literally the laziest side dish. The only acceptable reason to eat them is if you’re at your stepdaughter’s soccer game and you’re so bored there’s nothing to do but eat garbage.

14. Side Salad

Charisma: 0
Uniqueness: 2 (well, it’s not a potato?)
Taste: 1
Je ne sais quoi factor: 1
Total: 4

Verdict: Why on earth would anyone order a side salad with a burger? You’re already clogging your arteries with red meat and grease. Who are you trying to fool?

13. Crinkle Fries

Charisma: 1
Uniqueness: 3 (for the shape)
Taste: 1
Je ne sais quoi factor: 1
Total: 6

Verdict: You’ll eat them if they’re there on your plate, but crinkle fries are starchy and unexciting.

12. Cole Slaw

Charisma: 2
Uniqueness: 2 (for the shape)
Taste: 2
Je ne sais quoi factor: 3
Total: 9

Verdict: A good cole slaw is a special treat, but most of the time you’re just getting wet cabbage. Great slaw is too rare, thus a lower ranking.

11. Homemade Potato Chips

Charisma: 2
Uniqueness: 3
Taste: 3
Je ne sais quoi factor: 3
Total: 11

Verdict: Home made stuff always comes out better. In the case of potato chips, a little extra love goes a long way.

10. Garlic Fries

Charisma: 3
Uniqueness: 2 (for the shape)
Taste: 5
Je ne sais quoi factor: 3
Total: 13

Verdict: It doesn’t take much to turn regular fries into a special treat for your face. Still, there’s nothing too inventive about adding garlic, tasty as it is.

9. Cajun Fries

Charisma: 3
Uniqueness: 3
Taste: 4
Je ne sais quoi factor: 4
Total: 14

Verdict: Ooooh, spicy! The kick might not be for everyone, but you can’t deny that cajun fries have a certain joie de vivre.

8. Potato Salad

Charisma: 2
Uniqueness: 3
Taste: 7
Je ne sais quoi factor: 3
Total: 15

Verdict: Potato salad is almost always a hit, but never gets the respect it deserves. Shine on, tater salad. Reach for the stars.

7. Regular French Fries

Charisma: 5
Uniqueness: 5
Taste: 5
Je ne sais quoi factor: 5
Total: 20

Verdict: Impossible to hate, fries are utilitarian and irreplaceable, and the war between McDonalds fries and Burger King fries will wage on for an eternity.

6. Tater Tots

Charisma: 5
Uniqueness: 5
Taste: 6
Je ne sais quoi factor: 5
Total: 21

Verdict: Tots are timeless, friendly, upstanding citizens of the Side Dish world. They know their place and they’re happy in their role.

5. Waffle Fries

Charisma: 4
Uniqueness: 6
Taste: 7
Je ne sais quoi factor: 6
Total: 23

Verdict: Waffle fries, sweet waffle fries. Very nearly the most exciting of all the fry shapes, and comparably tasty.

4. Curly Fries

Charisma: 4
Uniqueness: 7
Taste: 7
Je ne sais quoi factor: 7
Total: 25

Verdict: Curly fries are delicious and aesthetically pleasing. Why don’t more restaurants besides Arby’s serve these?

3. Sweet Potato Fries

Charisma: 6
Uniqueness: 6
Taste: 10
Je ne sais quoi factor: 6
Total: 28

Verdict: Gets high marks simply for not being a regular potato. Also they’re heavenly.

2. Onion Rings

Charisma: 7
Uniqueness: 6
Taste: 9
Je ne sais quoi factor: 8
Total: 30

Verdict: Almost unbeatable when it comes to taste, the only thing that makes onion rings better is when the onion accidentally slides out and you get to eat the fried casing on its own. Mmmmmm….

1. Fried Pickles

Charisma: 10
Uniqueness: 10
Taste: 10
Je ne sais quoi factor: 10
Total: 40

Verdict: Delicious, exciting, unexpected. Perfection.

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