1. Here we go. Show me them houses.
2. Hahaha they live where?
3. Wait, you can get a four-bedroom house there on a $200,000 budget?
4. Maybe I should move to North Dakota…
5. [Ponders my own $1,000/month rent, begins weeping softly]
6. Why are these people together though?
7. Is it possible for an episode to end in divorce, because I swear, these two…
8. Poor realtor, trying to make the peace.
9. Yes, wish-list time. TELL ME YOUR DESIRES.
10. Ugh, do they really think they’re going to get outdoor space in the city on THAT budget?
11. You want granite? Shocking.
12. You want hardwood floors? Shocking.
13. You want 14 bedrooms, 17 bathrooms, a tennis court, a library, and a life-size replica of the Statue of Liberty for under $1,300 a month? Shocking.
14. WHY DOES NO ONE SEEM TO UNDERSTAND HOW BUDGETS WORK?
15. I wonder who this voice-over lady is.
16. Does she get paid per episode, or is it like a yearly salary or something?
17. How many times a day do you think she has to say “walk-in closets”?
18. What if she were the house hunter one time? Who would narrate?
19. I wonder what her name is.
20. I think we’d be good friends, tbh.
21. Yeah, definitely. She seems nice.
22. Wow, that house is…ugly.
23. What do you mean you love its “charm”? IT IS UGLY AS FUCK.
24. Are these people looking at the same house as I am?
25. They can’t be. There’s no way that a sentient human being could gaze upon the monstrosity that is this house and be satisfied. There is no way.
26. Actually that bathroom is pretty nice.
27. Why do you need a yard when you have no children or pets?
28. Why do you need 15 acres of land? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT LAND?
29. Hahaha a joke about how the woman needs a huge closet so I guess her husband is just straight out of luck [shoots self in the head].
30. Hahaha a joke about how it’s actually the husband who has a lot of clothes, which is funny because gender norms AMIRITE???
31. Oh damn. That’s a nice closet.
32. Wait there’s MORE space behind the corner? God, closet envy.
33. [“This house is just sliiiightly over budget — $250,000 over, to be exact.”] WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MONEY WORKS?
34. They mentioned wanting an “open floor plan.” Drink.
35. OK, time for house No. 2. Bring it on.
36. See, this one has a much better flow.
37. Ooh, that kitchen.
38. What do you mean it looks out of date? THEM COUNTERTOPS BE MARBLE.
39. Where do they put their children while they’re house hunting?
40. Seriously, there are never children on this show.
41. Does everyone on this show just have really good babysitters or something?
42. And what about their pets? Where are they?
43. If the wife is “away on business,” maybe wait until she gets back to make a $500,000 purchase instead of just sending her pics.
44. Sorry, but a bedroom isn’t small just because it doesn’t fit a California king.
45. Didn’t you guys want an office anyway? Stop complaining.
46. [“I don’t know if this unfinished basement will work for my man cave.”] STOP IT NOW.
47. What do you mean this place doesn’t have enough space for entertaining?
48. How many friends do you have?
49. Are you throwing a Gatsby-style soiree or something?
50. House No. 3 is looking pretty good.
51. And it’s under budget? Come on, you guys, you have to pick this one.
52. Look at those stainless steel appliances. That’s all you’ve been talking about for the past 20 minutes.
53. Nooo please learn to look past paint color.
54. Seriously, does no one on this show realize how painting works?
55. Like, you just take a brush, dip it in some paint, and go.
56. Or hire someone. Whatever.
57. What’s with everyone hating on carpet so much?
58. What’s with everyone hating on tile so much?
59. What’s with everyone hating on popcorn ceilings so much?
60. How did those ceilings ever come into style anyway?
61. Mmm… Popcorn would be good right about now.
62. I wonder if I have time to make myself some popcorn before they come back from the commercial break.
63. If they don’t pick House No. 3, I’m going to lose my mind.
64. I will live in House No. 3 if they don’t.
65. It’s got the perfect location, nicely updated, under budget. Seriously.
66. Why do they always have to be walking alone through a bright wooded path when they make their decision?
67. Or, like, on a beach?
68. OK, ruling out House No, 1 is a good decision. I agree.
69. [“But House No. 3 doesn’t have the luxury sewing room I wanted…”] [gouges eyes out]
70. Wait, this can’t be happening.
71. Are they about to pick the house I think they’re about to pick?
73. WTF? HOW? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
74. CLEARLY I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR LIFE.
75. That’s it. I can’t deal with this show right now.
76. [Another episode comes on] Nope, I am done with you. Done, I say!
77. Oh, wait, they’re in Paris?
78. Maybe just one more episode.
79. [Four hours later] I think I might have a problem.