1. My wardrobe could really use an update.
2. I could go to the mall.
3. But then I’d have to interact with actual…[shudder]…people.
4. OK, I guess I’ll do some online shopping then.
5. Logging on.
6. Aaaand let’s begin.
7. I guess I’ll start with shirts.
8. Wait, what do these different categories even mean?
9. T-shirts vs. shirts vs. polo shirts vs. sweaters.
10. Why can’t I just find all of the upper-body clothings in one place?
11. Time for the most important move: Sort by price, low to high.
12. WTF THE LOWEST PRICE THEY HAVE IS $75???
13. WHAT’S THE HIGHEST, THEN?
14. $800? FOR A SHIRT?
15. Clearly I am on the wrong site.
16. I guess I should try another.
17. * Googles “cheap online shopping” *
18. That’s more like it.
19. Pants. Let’s do this, pants.
20. Papa needs some new jeans because literally all the ones that I have right now have a giant hole in the crotch.
21. Damnit, I don’t know the difference between “slim straight” and “tapered” and “skinny but not too skinny, like it’s an intermediate kind of size, we don’t know, this is just a totally random and arbitrary description.”
21. Let’s say…skinny.
22. Because I’m trying to be ~ trendy ~.
23. Damn, these jeans look good on the model.
24. Do they actually look good in real life, though?
25. Or do I just think they look good because the model is attractive?
26. Why don’t they get normal people to model the clothes so I can actually have a sense of what they might look like ON ME.
27. Whatever, hot models. YOU WIN THIS ONE.
28. Oooh, here’s a pair that looks good.
29. I’m trying to imagine what these would look like on my body.
30. I mean…good enough, I guess?
31. Fuck, what’s my size?
32. * Looks at pants in my dresser * Fuck, none of these pants are the same size.
33. Why don’t all the stores just come together and decide on ONE GODDAMN METRIC so that people can actually know how things will fit???
34. Whatever, let’s just pick an average.
35. Add to cart.
36. * Browses for 20 more minutes *
37. Fuck, literally everything is so confusing.
38. At least I found a few things I want.
39. Let’s head to the checkout.
40. Ooh, first, let’s make sure these people have free returns.
41. No way I’m buying something if I can’t return it for free.
42. Let’s be real, I don’t have any idea what this stuff will actually look like when it gets here, so I’ll probably need to return most of it.
43. Sweet, free returns.
44. * Praises the shopping gods *
45. Entering my credit card info and shipping address…
46. And done! Clothing, you better hurry up and get here soon.
47. * Clothing arrives * IT’S HERE, IT’S HERE!
48. Whoa, that is NOT the color I thought this shirt was going to be.
49. Let me at least try it on.
50. Nononononono oh god no this looks horrendous.
51. What was I thinking???
52. It doesn’t even fit at all.
53. Let me try another thing — ah, the jeans!
54. OK, these are a lot bigger than I bargained for.
55. I guess I’ve lost some weight?
56. Or my waist measurements are just utterly and completely fucked up.
57. Damn, I could literally fit a third leg in these pants holes.
58. Ugh, but the post office is so far away if I want to return this package.
59. Maybe if I just wear them with a belt it will be OK?
60. Not quite as bad, but still…
61. OK, last item in the package.
62. Wow, this looks amazing.
63. And it fits like a dream.
64. AND it was the cheapest thing on the whole site.
65. It was worth it. It was all worth it.
66. I am online shopping royalty.
67. I AM THE ULTIMATE KING OF PURCHASING CLOTHING ONLINE!
68. Fuck you, mall. I never have to see you again.
69. * Goes back online, spends the next three hours browsing *