12 Facts That Prove Apples Are The Illuminati

Illuminati… or Illuminapple? The facts are too great to ignore. These eye-opening truths are brought to you by 5 Seeds Cider.

Via Shutterstock

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1. Those who possess, or claim to possess, superior knowledge and enlightenment.

2. A centuries-old society of powerful intellectuals who secretly run the world.

1. According to one popular book, apples were the catalyst for Adam and Eve getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden.

Paul Dunleavy / CC by 2.0 / Via Flickr: dunleavy_family

Scholars say that there’s no proof that the fruit referred to in the Bible is actually an apple… which is EXACTLY what the apples want you to think.

2. There are over 8,000 varieties of apple.

Apple and Pear Australia Ltd. / CC by 2.0 / Via Flickr: applesnpearsau

That means they could be ANYWHERE.

3. The golden apples of Norse mythology granted immortality and eternal youth.

Shadowgate / CC BY 2.0 / Via Flickr: shadowgate

IMMORTALITY, GUYS.

4. Apple trees can live up to 100 years.

Lee Hansen Hoch / CC BY-SA 2.0 / Via Flickr: bluestonestudios

Thus, they’ve been watching you… AND your parents… AND your grandparents… AND your great-grandparents.

5. The Chinese word for “apple” and the Chinese word for “peace” are homonyms.

Apple and Pear Australia Ltd. / CC by 2.0 / Via Flickr: applesnpearsau

Coincidence? Or a sign that apples will initiate a peaceful new world order?

6. The largest apple ever picked weighed 1.4 kilograms.

Jérôme Decq / CC by 2.0 / Via Flickr: lesphotosdejerome

Imagine a super-sized apple army.

7. An apple caused the Trojan War.

Team at Carnival.com (CC BY 2.0) / Via Flickr: aforum

But all anyone remembers is the big wooden horse BECAUSE APPLES WRITE THE HISTORY BOOKS.

8. In the fairy tale Snow White, the pasty protagonist is killed by an apple.

Aoshi_88 / CC BY-SA 2.0 / image has been cropped / Via Flickr: aoshi_88

But don’t worry, it’s just fiction. In real life, apples are not deadly, and it’s very hard to use an apple as a murder weapon. Also, while we’re nitpicking, mirrors don’t talk.

9. Horses LOVE apples.

Thinkstock

So we know whose side they’ll be on when the Illuminapples make their move.

10. Apples WANTED gravity to be discovered.

Renaud Camus / CC by 2.0 / Via Flickr: renaud-camus

That’s why one “accidentally” fell on Isaac Newton’s head.

11. Apples are 25% air, so they float in water.

Imagine, a sea-spanning armada of apples. No continent is safe.

And bobbing for apples? A way to acquire human DNA for whatever fiendish experiment they have planned.

Dark Dwarf / CC BY-ND 2.0 / Via Flickr: darkdwarf

12. New York City is called “the Big Apple” because it controls the world.

Now, “historians” will tell you that the nickname was popularised by 1930s jazzman Fletcher Henderson in reference to the boundless excitement and opportunity, both artistic and financial, evoked by the city.

But we know better: New York is the beating heart of worldwide media and finance. New York is the biggest apple around. Therefore, apples control media and finance.

#PROOF

HOW WERE WE BRAINWASHED SO EASILY?!

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